


Adrift

by GenerallyElusive



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Emotionally Repressed, Force Choking (Star Wars), Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Hux isn't that great at it either, Kylo Ren doesn't people so good, Kylux - Freeform, M/M, Past Abuse, Shame, Slow Burn, Touch-Starved, first aid is foreplay i dont make the rules, mild medical inspection, no really the absolute slowest of burns, three cheers for sleeve-knife
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2021-04-07
Packaged: 2021-04-11 21:22:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 37,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21578053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GenerallyElusive/pseuds/GenerallyElusive
Summary: Kylo Ren comes to terms with the fact that he is Supreme Leader now, and all of the responsibility and supposed freedom that entails. But with the loss of his mentor comes the feeling of being even more impossibly alone than he had been before. Nothing could have prepared him for the duties of the throne he'd chosen to take, and he's woefully out of his depth.Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Kylo Ren
Comments: 110
Kudos: 352





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings in the notes at the end.  
This fic is written fairly in-verse with heavy canon, however I've not yet read much of the new content currently being published to bridge the time gap between TLJ and ROS. I started this months and months ago and am just now ready to start publishing chunks of it. But yeah it takes place a month or so after the events of TLJ.

For years, Supreme Leader Snoke had kept Kylo Ren on a tight leash through a mixture of psychological, emotional and sometimes physical restraints. Kylo had simultaneously loathed him and craved his attention and praise, dished out in precise and measured rations only when necessary. Snoke had enforced a strict training regime, plotted out Kylo's daily schedule to the minute, planned his meals to best accommodate his training (or alternatively, to accommodate punishments). Snoke had been meticulously grooming Kylo ever since he'd been nothing but a vague whisper in the back of Kylo's mind while he studied at Luke's temple all those years ago.

  
Then, suddenly, he was gone. Kylo had felt a pressure, like a malevolent haze, lifting from his mind the moment that blue saber blade had neatly bisected Snoke's decrepit body. He'd tried not to dwell on the fact that Snoke's constant mental presence had been something he'd grown used to. As of that moment, he was free. Perhaps moreso than he'd ever been since he began his training all those years ago. Yet somehow, with Snoke gone, things did not seem to get much better in the events that had followed. 

Rey... was gone. The Resistance had survived, crippled and broken, but the spark burnt on. His mother, the pilot, the traitor. They were still out there. He had both won and lost the greatest battle he had ever faced on the very same day.

  
The _difficulties_, truly began to set in upon the First Order's slow return to normality and acceptance of their new Supreme Leader. With nobody to look to in an attempt to generate some semblance of routine, Kylo had no option but to let the Order do what they do best, under the ongoing direction and supervision of General Hux. Kylo had never needed to lead before. Not really. Telling handfuls of stormtroopers what to do while deployed on missions was entirely different to this. They were just another handful of tools for him to utilise in order to further his own objectives. The sheer magnitude of maintaining something like the First Order was staggering, and Kylo simply didn't have a clue where to begin. 

  
Additionally, on a much smaller scale, he was having difficulty getting to grips with his newfound personal freedom. His meals had continued to arrive at his quarters aboard the crippled but still functional Supremacy, however all variety had ceased. The last set of meals Snoke had arranged for Kylo, repeated on an endless loop for weeks. He no longer received any guidance with regards to his training, both physically and within the force, and he'd had to resort to dredging up previous lessons and training regimens from memory. Eventually, through a combination of time and stubborn refusal to discuss his problems with anyone, Kylo figured out how to alter his food programme via the on-board consoles. He despised interacting with the crew, particularly the haughty upper echelon who seemed so frustratingly adept at their work that it made Kylo feel depressingly inadequate and out of his depth. As such, he'd instructed the crew to keep him informed via data-link of any updates, and left them to it. 

  
Kylo had been quite proud of that little victory, however he no longer had a source from which to seek praise in the wake of his successes, small as they were. With a little more time he'd also gotten to grips with the training room facilities and through them could simulate various battle scenarios and training exercises. At least that kept him busy during waking hours. Nights aboard the Supremacy however, were different.

  
Part of Kylo's training had been control. Restraint. Focus. Snoke had known that Kylo Ren was a live-wire, and where necessary had bent this to his own benefit. Unleashing his apprentice, short temper and all, upon First Order personnel had helped to keep everyone in line. Snoke understood the importance of reputation. He understood the power of propaganda and knew that appearances mattered. However even before Snoke had been reduced to several chunks of matter, unceremoniously jettisoned from an airlock to twist endlessly through space, Kylo wasn't sure that all of the restrictions Snoke had placed upon him were with the intention of improving his abilities. When he'd been forced to train, meditate or sleep whilst ignoring the complaints of an empty stomach. While having to endure the pain of fresh wounds and layered bruises beneath his robes without being given any time to rest or heal. Despite the loneliness and confusion and traitorous bouts of sadness. He'd had to believe it was for his own good.

  
Among the hardest thing to bear, one of the toughest restraints to endure, was Snoke's insistence that Kylo refrain from any kind of carnal activity. Somehow of all Snoke's rules, particularly while Kylo had been lying in the dark, hard and frustrated, it had seemed the worst and most needlessly sadistic of all. He had obeyed, after all of course Snoke would have known if Kylo had done anything otherwise. Snoke always knew, and Snoke always knew best. He'd buried himself deep within Kylo's mind over the years and made no secret of the fact that he could read his apprentice like an open book. 

  
But Snoke was dead and Kylo Ren was Supreme Leader now. 

  
Considering the frenetic and complicated method of his ascension, getting off hadn't particularly been top of Kylo's to-do list since gaining the throne. As the weeks passed however, regardless of what his conscious mind wanted, his body had begun to betray him with its base wants and needs. At first, he'd continued to try and ignore it, attempts to do otherwise resulting in waves of revulsion, shame, embarrassment, sometimes nausea. Over a decade of restraint had prepared him well and he persevered admirably, if painfully, through the worst of it. 

  
After a month, he'd resorted to taking freezing cold showers, undergoing lengthy training sessions in the middle of the night into the early morning, or both. Without the ever present threat of punishment or reprisal, his resolve was weakening. Temptation and desire were beginning to claw at him more and more, yet the same level of fear remained. He fought it, resolutely, but the fight was getting harder and harder each time.

  
One evening, Kylo returned to his chambers following a particularly punishing training session, considering to himself that he might have dialled the response times of the training droids up too high as he collapsed onto his bunk with a wince. Reaching down, he lifted up the black vest he'd thrown on earlier as he'd hastily fled his chambers, and glanced down at the fresh set of bruises beginning to blossom across his ribs. Admittedly it was difficult to discern those from the previous nights set which had already darkened to an ugly, mottled purple-green. Kylo sighed, pulled the vest the rest of the way off, and tried to decide whether or not to bother showering again. He resigned himself to his sweaty fate through sheer exhaustion, and had let his eyes fall closed as his fingertips gingerly prodded and poked at his ribs, checking for damage beneath the bruises. 

  
Halfway-conscious, his mind began to wander of its own volition, and he was too tired to adequately reign it back in. The brush of his own callused fingertips over his punished body, were re-imagined as belonging to someone else. A sad truth that Kylo had long since accepted was that he had grown exceptionally touch-starved, goosebumps raising even beneath his own caress. He knew he should stop. Years of impressed mental conditioning and self-endorsed discipline were telling him to stop. _Why?_ He found himself thinking. _In case he finds out._ The response came, as it always did. The very thought stilled his hand, the memory of having to kneel before his master who _knew_. _Who always knew. Everything._

  
Except... he didn't. Not anymore. Perhaps he never truly had. Kylo had spent many lonely hours trying to make a start on unpicking the sorry mental state he'd been left in by Snoke, but the task was completely beyond him, and deeply miserable. It was easier to accept that yes, his old master had been omnipotent, omnipresent. It was better than the alternative; that he'd been lied to and manipulated all this time. That he was denied so much, for so long, for nothing.

  
Kylo shivered. It was always cold in his chambers and he couldn't figure out why. Knowing Snoke, it was probably intentional. All part of his training. His ongoing "attitude management". Another link in the chain he still felt the ghost of around his neck. Rolling over, gritting his teeth as the rainbow of bruises across his skin complained painfully, Kylo burrowed beneath the blankets on his bed. Ever since he was small, bed had always felt like a pocket of safe space amidst a chaotic world. A world that never really knew what to make of him. After joining Snoke that safe space had evaporated, but old habits die hard.

  
Curled up into himself, eyes closed tight as the pain in his ribs subsided again, waiting for the release of sleep to take him, he felt it again. The urge to touch. To feel. His body reacted to the thought as if prompted, a mixed response of revulsion and thrill as a shiver ran down his spine. He wondered, whether hands belonging to someone else would feel just as good as his own, running their fingers across his flesh. Or through his hair. Whether anyone would even want to touch him. The idea of someone finding him desirable, looking at him and feeling... _something_. The thought alone elicited a small gasp, before Kylo found himself gritting his teeth together, keeping his mouth firmly closed as if to keep any further audible giveaways trapped inside. _Where he can't hear you._

  
Against his will, he felt himself grow hard inside his pants. It was fairly normal for him to collapse into bed still partly if not fully dressed. Positioned as he was, the pressure from the fabric and his own thighs was only adding to the problem. Kylo began to squirm before stopping just as soon as he'd started, biting down on his lip and choking back a small noise.

_Can't move. Feels good. What do I DO?_

In one smooth movement, Kylo turned and uncurled to lie flat on his back, keeping his hands at his sides, exhaling as some of the pressure was relieved. But not enough. Kylo growled through gritted teeth at himself, thumbs brushing at the fabric against his hips.

_The pants have to go. It'll help._

  
Slowly, he moved his hands to unfasten and shuffle out of his pants, eyes fluttering closed before squeezing tightly shut as the weight of his arousal lay heavy against his stomach. He felt the same need again, perhaps more than before. Every time it returned, it was stronger, and took more and more energy to will away. The desire to touch. Hold. Stroke. The closer he came to giving in, the more ashamed he became. He had been taught better than this. Hadn't he? He was better than debasing himself in the darkness of his bedchambers at night. He needed to remain focused. Undistracted.

  
_Why?_

  
Kylo's eyes flicked open. His body completely still. He went over the potentially dangerous thought again. _Why?_ He swallowed hard, took a deep breath._ I'm the Supreme Leader now. **Snoke is DEAD.**_ Kylo realised his hands were trembling, ever so slightly. He wanted to do it. More than anything. Take himself in hand, think as many impure thoughts as he liked. To spite Snoke. Because he could. Couldn't he?

  
Ten minutes later, Kylo Ren was sitting on the floor of his bathroom, resolutely refusing to cry and picking pieces of broken glass out of his knuckles. Water, which had begun pouring from broken fixtures, began pooling around his legs. 

  
_To hell with this. **To hell with all of this.**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for mentions of emotional, physical, psychological abuse. Not described in great detail but alluded to.  
Also mentions of injuries obtained via heavy training without regard for personal wellbeing.  
Snoke was a horrid old gremlin and his relationship with Kylo in canon was grim and this fic is gonna dwell on that a fair bit, so. Heads up.  
Kylo and Hux are both fairly messed up individuals if canon is to be believed so this fic is gonna be working around that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is snark time, children. Content warnings in end notes.

\-----

  
** _[1] New Message._ **  
** _From: Gen. A Hux._ **

  
_Supreme Leader. _  
_I was passed an intriguing memo by the maintenance team. It appears someone decided to remodel your bathroom in the early hours of the morning. With what appears to have been their fists. _

_I do apologise if the current decor was not to your liking, however I would endeavour to remind you that we are presently in the precarious situation of ensuring our new and tenative grasp on the galaxy remains intact. Need I remind you of the unfortunate outcome of the conflict on Crait. The maintenance team are working around the clock to bring the Supremacy back to reasonable functional capacity and if you would please submit any further construction requests via the appropriate channels, I will ensure that they are added to the production schedule as soon as possible. At this time however, we cannot spare the manpower nor the resources to repair the damage._

  
_As such, should you wish to retain access to a functioning bathroom and dry bedchambers, I humbly suggest you relocate to the master suite which, as you know, has been vacant for some time._

  
_Regards,_  
_Hux._

  
\-------

  
Kylo hurled his datapad across the room where it shattered cathartically into pieces against the opposite wall. His chambers had flooded following his outburst and while he'd despised the thought of inhabiting a space previously occupied by Snoke, Hux had at least had the decency to remove all trace of him. The chambers had been refitted in standard issue, clean, First Order decor. Decor addmittedly reserved for those of the highest rank, yet still fairly spartan. The space was considerably larger, three rooms rather than Kylo's previous two. The chamber door opened into a living area which the bedroom and bathroom extended from. The bathroom was far more luxurious than Kylo's previous one, and overall everything seemed outfitted in fixtures and trappings more expensive and tactile than anything he'd been used to in the past. It was exceptionally jarring, almost overwhelming, and Kylo was fairly certain he would never get used to it. He cursed Hux through his teeth, suspecting that somehow the General knew this would make him uncomfortable, and had arranged this on purpose to humiliate him. Prior to the destruction of his datapad, Kylo had re-read Hux's message while checking for any sort of update regarding the whereabouts of the Resistance. Nothing.

  
He'd been sleeping poorly. Worse than usual. Dark circles were gathering beneath his eyes and, if it were possible, he was more irritable than normal. The worst part was that he'd now lost anything he'd previously considered a safe space aboard the Supremacy. It wasn't his bed anymore, nor his chambers. They were still Snoke's. Kylo could feel him, his energy somehow, lingering in the space left behind. Like the miasma hanging in the air at a funeral. One small blessing at the very least was that all amorous thoughts and feelings had been suitably supressed by his new surroundings. Kylo tried to feel relieved, glad even. Instead he was left with something else, a vague hollow sadness, and it confused him.

  
In the following weeks, Kylo trained until exhaustion and near-collapse most nights. During day cycles he slept fitfully, occasionally haunting the corridors of the Supremacy when he was unable to sleep or was too bruised and broken from a severe training session. The ships' crew - _his_ crew - were just as terrified of him as they had been before his ascention to the throne. They stuttered brief updates when prompted. On the progress of the ships repairs. On the various missions and efforts undertaken in attempts to weasel out the remnants of the Resistance. Kylo tried to tell himself he was making more of an effort to interact with the crew, more particularly the officers, because that was what a Supreme Leader _did_. He ignored the dull ache in the pit of his chest, gnawing at him, pushing him to interact with someone. _Anyone_.

  
One late shift, he found that he'd followed his feet to the throne room. He'd only returned to the space a handful of times since Snoke's death, often leaving as quickly as he'd arrived. The place held nothing but unpleasant and twisted memories. Kylo blinked, looking down at his boots. He'd stopped several paces from the throne. Where he'd always used to stand, wait, kneel. Old habits die hard and Kylo was a creature of unfortunately ingrained routine. The throne itself was empty, he'd never sat on it. Never really felt a need. The red curtains hadn't been replaced after they'd burned, but the place had been thoroughly cleaned. The entire conflict, brief as it was, all dutifully gathered up to cast out of a waste airlock and into the void of space.  
Kylo exhaled a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding, and slowly moved to close the distance between himself and the throne. Without the swathes of red fabric obscuring the viewports, space stretched out on either side and above. Innumerable stars glimmered and shone, casting their light into the massive throne room. Vacant but for Kylo and a single, ostentatious chair. He took the handful of steps up the short ramp to the throne, realising upon reaching the top that he'd never actually done so before.

  
Standing before the throne. His throne. Kylo paused a moment before reaching out a gloved hand toward one arm of the chair, cautiously letting the barest brush of his fingertips settle on the smooth surface. His brows furrowed slightly in that he didn't feel a particular kind of awe. Nor did he feel powerful, successful, strong. If anything, he wondered... _why would you make something so uncomfortable from which to rule a galaxy?_ His eyes lifted up to the massive viewports opening out onto space. _Why would you hide all of this? Turn your back to it?_ Kylo's feet moved almost of their own volition, taking him around and away from the throne. He stood behind it, looking ever outward at the stars, both palms spread against the thick transparisteel. 

He felt it then. Powerful. _All of this, is mine. The whole galaxy._ A smile crossed his lips, before his expression was replaced in full by a scowl, hands balling into fists. _And out there, somewhere. The girl._ His lip curled in a snarl as he remembered. How he'd reached out to her when she'd offered her support. How she had helped him bring down Snoke. Before turning away, casting him off as others had done before. They could have ruled _together_. Powerful. Unstoppable. But she didn't understand. Or worse; she understood and chose another path regardless.

  
Kylo turned sharply at the sound of somebody else entering the throne room. He rushed back around the throne before halting in his tracks, frown deepening as the advancing footsteps brought forward a familiar figure. _Hux._

  
"Supreme Leader, I was informed that I would find you here."

  
Kylo's glance fell briefly to the glistening floor beneath Hux's boots, noticing that he also returned to the same position once taken when he'd previously addressed Snoke. Clearly they were both creatures of habit.

"What do you want," Kylo snapped.

  
Hux's expression barely flickered at Kylo's tone but for a slight flare of the nostrils.

"You had requested that you be personally informed should any information pertinent to the Resistance arise. Several alert attempts to your datapad were made, however it appears to be experiencing some technical difficulties."

Kylo smirked. "Appears so."

  
"A small freighter was boarded and searched following interception of a coded transmission we believe to have been sent by members of the Resistance," said Hux, before pausing briefly.

  
"...And?" Kylo snarled. His hands were at his sides, curled into tight fists. He felt wooden and awkward, like he'd been forced out into a spotlight, unprepared. Standing in the throne room, before this ridiculous throne. Unable to escape the sense that Snoke was watching this particular moment unfold, his lingering energy still hanging in the air. Especially here, of all places.

  
"While all personnel aboard the vessel were arrested and interrogated, no further information was yielded."

  
"We'll see about that," Kylo muttered, taking a step away from the throne, fully intending on tearing the prisoners apart from the inside out if it helped gain them any useful information. It might go some way to helping him feel better, too.

  
"I'm afraid no further interaction with the prisoners is possible," Hux cut him short, arms folded behind his back.

"What? Why not?" Kylo snapped, glaring at the man.

"As they were of no further use to the Order, they were tried and convicted as traitors and smugglers, and executed as such. The departure co-ordinates of their ship are being traced and their cargo has been im-" 

  
Hux found his words caught in his throat, along with his breath. His eyes darted across from where they'd been staring at the throne, locking with Kylo's. The fingers of Kylo's hand flexed at his side, eliciting strangled sounds from the General who began clawing at his neck. 

  
_Futile._

  
"The next time you arrest prisoners with potential links to the Resistance, you inform me." 

  
A further flex of fingers to hammer his point home. Hux fell to his knees.

  
"_Before_ interfering with them yourself. Do I make myself clear, **_General_**."

  
Kylo moved forward, down the short ramp, stopping to stand over Hux as he relinquished his grip with a flourish. He waited, looking down his nose at the man coughing at his feet. To his credit, Hux took barely more than a few seconds to regain enough composure to struggle upright. The skin beneath his collar was pink and angry, the corners of his eyes tinged red.   
Only once he was standing back at his full height, did he look Kylo in the eye and croak a response. Cold fury blazing in his eyes.

  
"Yes, Supreme Leader."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: angerey force choking, it's not sexy.


	3. Chapter 3

Kylo had clung to the feeling of power he'd felt in the throne room, all the way back to his chambers. How the stars and everything that their light touched, now belonged to him. How it had felt to have broken ahead in his rivalry with Hux, to stand above him as a superior. In rank as well as physical prowess and ability with the force. How he'd brought the General once again to his knees with nothing but a twitch of his wrist and how those very same abilities had rid the galaxy of Snoke once and for all. This was, after all, the sort of victory he was supposed to be savouring, right? This is what Supreme Leaders _did_.

  
He felt so elated that he was practically light-headed upon reaching his quarters, boots crunching datapad detritus into the floor as he moved through the room in a haze. He shrugged off his cape, hefting it into a pile on the floor beside the bed.   
Collapsing into the blankets of his bed, face down and riding the high of his newfound confidence, Kylo allowed his mind to wander as he drifted, finally, into a deep sleep.

  
~

  
_The throne, beneath you. _   
_Hard. Solid. Strong. _   
_Like you, Supreme Leader. _   
_Powerful._

  
Kylo shook his head and blinked, finding that he appeared to be sitting in the throne room. The seat beneath him was cold. So cold. Uncomfortable. On either side of the massive chamber, familiar figures dressed in black, armed with a motley array of weaponry.

  
"The Knights..." Kylo whispered, seemingly to himself.

  
_Your guardians. _   
_A mere show of power. You don't need them._   
_You could destroy them with a single gesture._

  
"Yes... but, I mean. No, they're my allies. They're my f-.. friends.." Kylo stammered. This entire situation, the words echoing through the chamber (or possibly, within his mind) filling him with a sense of dread. He couldn't place the voice, it was entirely strange and yet still oddly familiar.

  
_Rule, from this throne. _   
_Let any who come to oppose you, fall. _   
_Destroy them. _   
_Tear them apart. As you did Solo. _   
_As you did Snoke._

  
"Solo?... I didn't...." Kylo fumbled his words again, paused, shook his head to try and rattle his thoughts into making sense. Flashes of a memory, standing on that walkway. His father's hand on his face, the familiar smells of home and family that lingered on his skin. The flash of red, glinting off of the tears in his eyes as he fell. This didn't feel right. "Solo needed to die. I needed to prove myself. I needed-"

  
_You struck him down. _   
_His remains shall burn forever in the belly of a star. _   
_Snoke, a disgrace. Destroyed. Adrift in space. _   
_You remain. _   
_You can do **anything**. _   
** _Take, anything._ **

  
Kylo noticed a prone figure, lying several feet away from the throne. Had it been there this whole time? Everything felt hazy. It almost looked like...

"...Rey?"

The figure didn't respond, didn't move. Kylo couldn't sense anything, he realised. No feedback, no energy.

  
_None can stand against you. _   
_The remains of the Resistance lie in ruin. _   
_Their champion, their precious saviour, defeated._

  
Kylo wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel, upon hearing this news. It was what he wanted, what he thought he wanted. But somehow it still didn't feel right. The energy in the room felt malevolent, oppressive. It was suffocating.

  
_Destroy all opposition. _   
_Rule the galaxy. _   
_Fulfil your destiny, Supreme Leader._

  
Kylo's vision was swimming. He lifted a hand to rub at his eyes, pressing his fingers to his face. Long, uneven fingers. Kylo wrenched his hand away with a gasp. Not his hand, Snoke's hand. Arms draped in gold. Looking down, he found he was dressed head to toe in flowing golden robes."No.."  
Movement in his peripheral vision. Kylo looked up, squinting, struggling now to focus his vision. No longer curled up on the floor, Rey was standing. Proud. Defiant.

_"No!"_

She thrust a hand out and twisted her wrist. Kylo heard a sharp familiar sound. Blue light. Sudden pain. Blistering. Spearing through his side. Vision blurring. Pain fading... until....

  
Darkness.

~

  
Kylo had woken with a start, tangled in his blankets, still fully dressed and screaming. Instinctively, he'd reached out with the force, pulling his saber across the room from where he'd left it and igniting it as soon as he felt it smack into the palm of his hand. Hacking at the blankets and bed, rolling off and onto the floor, landing amongst scraps of singed blankets with a pained cry. 

  
He'd shut the saber off but not before accidentally dragging the short, angry blade of a side-emitter across his shoulder. Panting heavily, he lay in the darkness with his pain and his fear and stared at his hands. There was just enough ambient light in the room to prove that they we his _own_ hands, thankfully. The smell of burning fabric was overpowering and uncomfortably familiar, Kylo noticed with a shudder. Tattered red scraps rained from the ceiling behind his closed eyelids. He curled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. Wincing at the pain in his shoulder, he noticed he was shaking.

  
He wasn't sure how long he remained there, on the floor. Long enough for the embers of the singed blankets to burn out and the smell to fade. For the shaking to subside. The pain in his shoulder however, remained. He didn't feel able to get back to sleep, and wasn't sure he wanted to in any case.

  
Had that just been a bad dream? A nightmare? He used to be plagued with them, when he was younger, and occasionally as he'd grown up. They often ended in a similar destructive fashion, much to the chagrin of whoever had to repair the damage. Not that he'd ever cared. Dream or not, what did it mean?

  
Kylo stirred, blinking blearily as the electronic chime indicating someone wished to enter his chambers bleeped from the doorway. What time was it? How long had he been lying there? Making an attempt to pull himself up, the pain in his shoulder blazed and caused him to curse loudly through gritted teeth before collapsing again. 

  
He was so tired. The chime came again. The same sound, yet somehow more insistent. Kylo steeled himself before rising to his knees with a grunt. He wasn't overly keen on having anyone see him in this state, however he was fairly certain he could scare them off without them suspecting anything. 

  
Staggering to his feet, he lumbered to the door, shouldering the control pad by the door frame with his good side. As the smooth black panel slid into the wall revealing Hux on the other side, Kylo wished he'd just stayed on the floor. In all fairness, Hux looked like he'd also rather have been literally anywhere else. An awkward silence hung in the air for several seconds before Hux cleared his throat.

"Supreme Leader."

  
Kylo glared at him in silence. The pain helped with that at least. Nevertheless, Hux persisted.

"Once again, I remind you that you requested-"

"Personal updates, yeah," Kylo cut him off, voice cracking. His throat was dry and scratchy. Just how long _had_ he been lying there. "What is it."

  
"The contents of the smuggler's cargo yielded somewhat valuable information-..." Hux paused, narrowing his eyes, looking past Kylo and into the gloom of his chambers. "What-?" Hux looked ready to launch into one of his tirades, likely smelling the remnants of burning bed sheets and perhaps able to make out some of the damage within. He managed to catch himself, remembering his place. Kylo took more pleasure than perhaps he'd be willing to admit at the conflicted expressions that flitted across the General's face as he winched himself back to stiff professionalism. "What, might I ask, has held your attention for so long within your quarters?" 

  
When Kylo failed to respond, Hux continued. 

  
"Alerts submitted to your datapad remain unanswered. Is there a technical issue with your-" Before asking the question, Hux paused and frowned as realisation dawned upon him. "My Lord, where exactly _is_ your data pad."

He couldn't help himself at that point. Kylo smirked, attempting to shrug casually and immediately regretting the decision. He froze, gingerly lowering his injured shoulder. Instead he raised the hand on his good side and casually waved it as he responded.

"Oh, you know. Around."

  
Hux's eyes darted to Kylo's shoulder, his frown softening slightly, blurring into a look of disgruntled concern, laced of course with its usual level of disgust. He gestured toward the wound.

"What happened. A training accident?" 

  
There it was, the perfect excuse. Kylo nodded. Hux appeared to be satisfied with this and he straightened up. "I would recommend a visit to medbay, I can provide you with a full debrief as soon as you are ready," said Hux with a sniff, "Supreme Leader."

"No."

  
Hux stopped himself as he turned to leave, looking back at Kylo. Eyebrows furrowed, lips pursed.

  
"No?"

  
"No medbay."

  
"But Supreme Leader-"

"**_I dont-_**" Kylo snapped, stopping himself and taking a moment as Hux recoiled in the corridor. He exhaled through his nose, leaning to rest his head against the cool metal of the door frame. "I don't want anyone to see me like this" he muttered, too tired to come up with a better excuse. 

  
Hux took a moment to consider his words.

  
"You still require medical attention. Unless I'm mistaken, that's the same shoulder-"

  
"As Starkiller, yes. I'm very aware."

  
A further pause.

  
"Should I send a droid?"

  
Kylo couldn't help but laugh. It made his throat hurt, which made him cough. Trust Hux to be so practical. He lifted his head away from the door frame, expression resigned. It was better than the alternative.

  
"Sure."

  
"Very well."

  
Taking a step back and preparing to shut the door, believing their stilted conversation over, Kylo was struck with a realisation.

  
"Wait..."

  
Hux had already turned and taken several steps down the corridor, yet he stopped once more. Arms locked behind his back, as usual. Kylo wondered if he had a rod down the back of that coat sometimes, he stood so _straight_. 

  
The General turned his head slightly, but not quite looking over his shoulder. When further instruction was not forthcoming, he turned on his heel to face the open doorway. 

  
_He stands so **straight**._

  
When Kylo continued to remain silent, Hux clenched his jaw and marched back over. The level of forced restraint in his voice was admirable.

  
"Yes?"

  
Kylo almost smirked again at the General's frustration, he could see it in the muscles in his jaw, the flare of his nostrils. Just below all of that however, above the line of his collar, he noticed the discoloured skin. An all too recent reminder of exactly why Hux was likely so obedient. Kylo was struck with a pang of guilt, which took all of the fun out of their little back-and-forth.

  
"I need.. I need your help with something." It felt extremely uncomfortable to discuss, but the hollow neediness in his chest pushed Kylo to say it anyway. Hux stared at him, blinked once, expression unchanging. Kylo leaned forward out of the doorway and into the corridor, glancing left and right, causing Hux to lean back sharply. "Come inside" he mumbled before turning and disappearing into the gloom, leaving Hux to stare after him. 

  
Several moments passed before the General cautiously stepped into the room, startling as the door slid shut behind him, plunging the room into almost complete darkness. There was silence, broken only by the gentle crunching of boots over small pieces of something fragile. Hux waited patiently, before clearing his throat, prompting Kylo to raise the lights to a suitable level and revealing the damage he'd caused. Hux stared at the bed, its frame and mattress latticed with deep, burned gouges. He glanced at the floor between his boots, shifting his stance which elicited further grinding of broken glass. Turning his head, he assessed a suspiciously datapad-shaped dent in the wall.

  
"Supreme Leader, what exactly is going on?" Hux asked, hesitantly. Kylo could sense the tension in the man, as if prepared to run, or attack if required. Or perhaps even that he was suspecting and preparing for another onslaught of assault at Kylo's hands. The realisation made Kylo's stomach twist uncomfortably, that he'd become another unpleasant workplace hazard for the man to tolerate as his superior. Taking Snoke's place. It took a moment before he realised Hux had asked him a question. What exactly _was_ going on? He decided to remain pragmatic.

  
"Before the droid gets here, I could use some help getting out of this," Kylo gestured at his tunic with his good arm. Hux looked briefly disgusted before straightening his expression.

  
"Are you really-...." Hux stopped himself again and pressed his lips tightly together, reassessing his words. "Are you sure, Supreme Leader, that the _droid_ cannot assist you with that particular task."

  
"Droids dont care if they hurt you," Kylo said, bluntly. He realised how childish the notion was, and how ridiculous the presumption that Hux would want to spare him that pain in the slightest. 

  
Kylo remembered snatches of what had happened after Rey had left him in the snow on Starkiller, drifting in and out of consciousness. He remembered being yanked unceremoniously into waking by the searing pain in his various injuries as the droids manhandled him, cutting and tearing away his clothing to get at the wounds beneath. Droids had precisely zero bedside manner. They would help, efficiently and quickly, but if the patient suffered throughout the process they didn't care. Not in the First Order. Pain didn't matter, so long as you were still alive and able to heal. They could drug you into numbness if it became too serious a problem. In some ways that was worse.

  
He remembered when he'd discovered that Hux had been the one sent to retrieve him. Hux, who hated him. Who could very easily have arranged for Kylo to have not returned at all. Who, instead of letting him bleed to death in the snow, had arrived on a transport outfitted with droids and supplies to allow for immediate medical attention, preventing more severe scarring and possible complications. He'd not given it much thought, until now, suddenly.

  
"General..." Kylo muttered, in a tone that hopefully brooked no argument. He stood beside the wreck of the bed, in a manner that he hoped portrayed "expectant". When Hux continued to stand resolutely beside the door, Kylo spoke again, his tone softer. "Hux..."

  
Seemingly against his better judgement from the looks of his expression, Hux stepped forward. "Fine" he grumbled, clearly keen to get the task over with as quickly as possible. Upon reaching Kylo he swiftly, but carefully, unfastened the broad belt around his waist, placing it to one side atop the smouldering mess that once served as a bed. Kylo noted the precise manner in which Hux removed and carefully set aside an item of clothing which he'd only ever dropped to the floor unceremoniously in the past himself. He was wondering whether Hux was the sort of man who ironed his socks as the General deftly unfastened his tunic and motioned for Kylo to lift his good arm.

  
"I won't lie to you, this is probably going to smart." Hux's eyes were on Kylo's injured shoulder as he spoke. Kylo gritted his teeth and twisted his upper body slowly, pulling his good arm loose and trying to ignore the pain as the fabric dragged across his other shoulder. Gingerly lifting his bad shoulder, Hux did the rest, manoeuvring the tunic over, down and away. He held the garment in both hands for a few moments looking for a place to lie it down, before deciding that folding it atop the belt was as good a place as any. When he turned back to Kylo, he paused. Presumably taking in the fact that the long sleeves he wore were attached to a strange mesh shirt, beneath which lay the bruises of previous training sessions in various stages of healing. He raised his hands slightly as his eyes roved over the shirt, letting them hang in the air.

  
"Uhm.. where do I-.. how does this.."

  
"It just pulls on like a shirt" Kylo grimaced at what that meant. Hux's frown deepened and he curled his fingers into his palms.

  
"I see."

  
"Look it's probably better you just cut it, down the middle. There's probably a knife in the-"

  
Before Kylo could finish, Hux had flicked his right arm to one side, flexing his wrist in the process as if shaking something off his hand. The motion was lightning fast, fluid and practised. When he drew his hand back to Kylo's torso, it held an exceptionally thin, razor sharp blade, which he used to quickly slice the mesh fabric from Kylo's navel to his throat. A similar flourish and the blade was gone. Using both hands, he grabbed each side of the shirt at Kylo's waist and pulled, ripping the remainder completely open. It was Kylo's turn to be lost for words.

  
"Uh.."

  
Hux caught his eye for a second.

  
"It's probably best you not think about it."

  
His hands were already moving again, one curling its fingers into the fabric of the shirt, the other trying to hold his injured shoulder steady. He gestured for Kylo to work his good arm free, which he began doing, trying not to think about the gloved hand pressed to his chest. As he moved, Hux spoke, eyes fixed on the bruises.

  
"I feel compelled to ask again, Supreme Leader. What is going on?" His tone remained firm, but lacked its previous fire. Kylo saw no reason to lie at this point. Lies took energy that he just didn't have right now.

  
"I'm... dealing with some stuff."

  
"What "_stuff_"?" Hux moved again now that Kylo had one arm free. He placed one hand on Kylo's good shoulder to keep him still, while the other took hold of the sleeve's cuff and gently began to pull. Kylo grunted, Hux paused.

  
"Inheriting an entire military operation," Kylo hissed through his teeth against the pain in his shoulder as the heavy fabric dragged across it. Hux altered his approach, removing his hand from Kylo's shoulder to lift and guide the sleeve off of Kylo's arm without it brushing against the wound so much. Kylo found that he immediately missed the contact. He shook his head to clear it, Hux's words from before echoing through his mind. _It's probably best you not think about it._

  
"At the risk of causing offence Supreme Leader, that decision was yours." Hux spoke calmly yet with a poorly concealed level of reproach. 

  
Once the second sleeve was removed, Hux set the shirt aside - folded atop the tunic, of course -and turned his nose up at the jagged line of scorched flesh Kylo had managed to carve into himself. It wasn't too deep, and had avoided most of the existing scar-tissue, running perpendicular for the most part to the marks Rey had given him back on Starkiller. "That's going to need cleaning," he muttered coldly "else it'll probably get infected." He looked around, the light still fairly low but the damage throughout the room plainly visible. The General scowled at the state of it. "It's filthy in here."

  
"Look, are you going to call for the droid or what," Kylo sighed, in no mood for a lecture on good housekeeping.

  
"Yes. Very well." Hux darted forward suddenly, causing Kylo to pull away remembering the blade in his.. sleeve? Had that _always_ been there? "Will you relax? I need to assess your injury, or injuries, so that I can request the correct level of care." Hux stood and stared at him until Kylo shifted forward again, frowning. Hux raised his hands defensively. "What's wrong?"

  
"Are you serious?" Kylo looked at him incredulously.

  
Hux sighed. "Would you prefer I remove the coat?"

  
"When did you start walking around with _that_?" Kylo said, pointing at his sleeve.

Hux lowered his hands again, wearily.

  
"I'll remove the coat."

  
"Was it before, or after I became Supreme Leader?" Kylo accused. Hux had already shrugged the greatcoat off, moving to hang it on a hook by the door that Kylo hadn't noticed in all the time he'd lived there.

  
"What makes you think that this is a recent development?" Hux adjusted the cuffs of his uniform, making his way back over to Kylo. "Now hold still so that I can get this over with."

  
"Get _what_ over with?" Kylo felt oddly exposed as Hux stepped back into arms reach.

  
"Just.. be quiet." Hux glared at Kylo, before his eyes flicked down and away. Kylo wondered how often Hux had felt the need to check his tone when dealing with him. Once upon a time the thought of Hux being his subordinate, having to cow-tow and obey without question, would have thrilled him. Right here, right now, it felt like a hollow victory. The previous rivalry which had practically filled the air with the same heavy energy one felt before a storm, was over. When the reproach Hux had expected didn't come, he looked back up "I need to inspect you, remember?" He took Kylo's silence as a sign to proceed.

  
Kylo wasn't sure what to expect, he'd never really pegged Hux as having much in the way of medical or first aid expertise, however he'd been surprised by what the General had known in the past. Why not one more thing? Hux took hold of Kylo's right arm at the bicep, his other hand lightly touching his chest, ready in case he needed to manipulate his body any further. Several fingertips brushed along his collarbone as he appraised the wound. His manner was clinical and not particularly warm, yet it was gentle and precise, and Kylo found himself focusing _intently_ on where and how Hux was touching him.

  
"It doesn't look like it's bleeding."

  
"..Oh."

"Oh?" Hux leaned back. From his expression Kylo gathered that was supposed to have been positive news and he should react accordingly. He was having difficulty processing much outside of Hux's hands on his skin. The leather of his gloves, previously cool, was warming through the contact.

  
"Uhm.. yeah. Sorry. Thats good." His apology seemed to confuse the General even more. To his credit, he didn't react beyond an expression of vague concern, stepping to the side and gesturing to indicate that Kylo should raise his arm. In the brief time it took for Hux to relinquish his touch, Kylo found that again he missed it. He didn't have to wait too long before the General was touching him again, unfortunately this time it was less gentle.

Kylo sharply sucked air through his teeth as Hux pushed lightly against his side. He'd been caught by the backswing of a training droid.

"That hurts?"

  
Kylo scowled at him. "Of course it hurts!"

  
"When did you receive these bruises?" Hux gestured. There were many more to accompany the large, blotchy purple mess that covered most of his right side. Some of them had started to join up as they'd spread, and the full rainbow of the bruise spectrum of healing was represented across his torso.

  
"Uh, a few days ago."

  
"Mhm. And has your chest hurt on this side since then?" Hux pressed again, eliciting a yowl from Kylo.

  
"Well... yeah! I took a blow while training. It happens," Kylo hissed.

  
"-_A_\- blow? Singular?"

  
"....Several blows."

  
"Well, it appears that you may have fractured a rib. At the very least." The news once again failed to land as strongly as it should have, as Hux had begun running his fingertips across the marbled bruises along the side of Kylo's chest. The flesh was tender, but the sensation was not unpleasant.

  
"...Oh," Kylo managed to mumble again.

  
Hux sighed. He straightened up and moved around Kylo, meticulously brushing his hands over each new patch of bruising up his back, across his shoulders, inspecting each area in turn. Kylo's eyes fluttered closed. When Hux spoke, it sounded distant.  
"Multiple instances of blunt force trauma. Suspected damage to the ribs. Severe lack of sleep judging from the state of your complexion and responses, and if I'm not very much mistaken..." Hux circled back around to face Kylo who managed to blearily open his eyes. "That shoulder wound was caused by a _lightsaber_ blade." Kylo swallowed. Busted. Hux took a few steps back, gesturing toward the bed. "Additionally, _this_, resembles the state of the equipment you've previously torn to pieces with that weapon of yours." Kylo looked away, pouting at the indirect reprimand. Hux was getting bolder with his words, Kylo wondered if he'd come to regret this situation.

  
"What happened?" Hux asked once again, only this time with less snappy detachment and an edge of suspiciously genuine concern.

  
Kylo stared at the floor, curling his good arm around his chest to press a hand against his ribs, right where Hux had touched him. It ached. More disappointingly, his own touch didn't have the same soothing effect as the General's had. After further silence, Hux shifted to a wall-mounted console by the door, switched it on and began typing. After a few seconds, the console's "message received" alert began chiming as backlogged memos and notifications started to pour through. They didn't stop for some time. Kylo looked up, caught Hux's glare, and looked away again sheepishly. 

  
Eventually, Hux stopped typing, flicked the console off and returned to Kylo's bedside. He gathered up Kylo's belongings, bundled them into Kylo's arms and made for the door. Pulling his coat on, he threw a cursory look over his shoulder as he thumbed the release control, unlocking and opening the door.

  
"Come with me, please."

  
Then he left.

  
Kylo stared in disbelief for a couple of beats before going after him. After a second or two Kylo's arm reached back through the doorway to summon his lightsaber over before leaving.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That, folks, is the sound of this fic escalating up to "explicit".

"Hux... Hux? Where are we going?" Kylo had needed to jog slightly to catch up with the General marching briskly through the corridors of the Supremacy. Kylo clutched his clothes to his chest, turning his head this way and that, anxious about being seen. He realised how little he knew of the ships layout when all of the corridors began to look the same. He had no idea where he was.

"You'll find out when we get there."  
  


"I said no medbay," Kylo growled.  
  


"We're not _going_ to medbay."  
  


Kylo stepped in front of Hux, blocking his path in order to stare him down.

  
"What part of "I don't want anyone to see me like this" translated to "lets go on a parade through the ship?"

  
Hux returned Kylo's stare, as cold as always. Unphased. His arms remained folded neatly behind his back.

  
"Have you noticed anyone else on this deck so far? Anyone at all?"

  
Kylo frowned. "Well.... no but-"

  
"And, with your impressive talents, can you "_feel_" or "_sense_" anyone within our proximity?"

  
Kylo didn't appreciate Hux's tone which bordered dangerously on sarcasm. Regardless, he closed his eyes to reach out with the force. _Nobody. Just us._ He opened his eyes again. Hux looked smug.

  
"You-"  
  


"Cleared the deck. Yes."  
  
  
"And we're not going to medbay?"  
  


"We are not going to medbay."

  
Kylo scowled, stepping aside. Hux brushed past him.

  
"So where _are_ we going?"

"Patience, Supreme Leader."

  
\------------------------

  
Kylo was close to asking "are we there yet", when Hux pulled up suddenly in front of a doorway, identical to all the others they had passed. He stopped so suddenly that Kylo barrelled into him, jarring his shoulder with a grunt.

  
"My apologies, Supreme Leader" said Hux, in perhaps the least apologetic tone possible, as he straightened the lapels of his coat. The door slid open and Hux stepped inside before Kylo could respond.

  
Through the doorway appeared to be another bedchamber. Less ostentatious than the one they'd left behind. Smaller too, comprising of a single room made up of mostly a bed, with a combination refresher/shower cubicle behind a frosted plexiglass door. The lights had been set way up, causing Kylo to squint slightly. As he entered the room, several droids whirred into life. Hux was pacing the inside of the chamber, seemingly inspecting everything. Kylo shifted awkwardly in the doorway, his belongings still clutched to his chest. A sudden thought struck him and his eyes widened.

  
"Hux is this-... are these your..?"

  
Hux turned to face him, taking a second to catch the poorly implied question, eyebrows furrowing as he figured it out.

  
"My quarters? Absolutely not" he spat, spreading his hands in a gesture at the small cabin "You honestly think I stay somewhere like this?"

  
Kylo glowered at him. "Well _no_ but..."

  
"You couldn't very well remain in that suite, not for the time being. This space isn't much, rank and file staff quarters I'm afraid, but it's got suitable facilities and you'll be comfortable as you heal." Hux folded his arms behind his back once again, like a black-clad insect returning to its natural resting state. "In addition, as we possess the room and lack the numbers, this area can remain clear of personnel for the foreseeable future."

  
Kylo placed his clothes on a narrow counter-top beside the door with his lightsaber on top, nestled in the fabric of his singed tunic. The room filled with quiet whirring sounds each time he moved, several droids keeping their electronic eyes trained on him, keen to begin their work. Under the harsh light of the bedchamber, Kylo's skin looked worse than he'd thought.

  
"Now then, if this meets your approval, I'll depart and the droids can get started." Hux inclined his head slightly, a polite and final parting gesture. On his way past, Kylo held out a hand, not quite touching the General but close enough to get his attention and cause him to pause. 

  
"Hux?"

  
Hux raised an eyebrow at Kylo expectantly. "Yes?"

  
Kylo rolled the word around in his mouth before he spoke, meeting Hux's eyes.

  
"Thankyou."

  
\---------------------------------

  
The droids had performed their tasks well, sterilising and knitting back together the flesh of Kylo's shoulder. The pain had been minimal, due to several numbing gels administered before the work had begun. Kylo had been struck with a difficult thought as he lay there. _If this anaesthetic gel was available, why wasn't it used on me following Starkiller?_ He frowned, jaw tightening as the answer came to him almost immediately. _Because Snoke wanted you to suffer for your failure._

  
Before the droids had left, one of them managed to jab him with a shot while he'd been distracted. He still span around hard enough at the sudden sharp pain in his thigh to send the droid careening across the small room to collide with the opposite wall. He'd presumed it was some kind of medicine as he glared at the droid, rubbing at the sore spot on his leg, however within moments he was feeling exceptionally sleepy. Leaning back onto the pristinely made bed, not bothering to crawl under the covers, Kylo huffed a small laugh to himself while the droids filed out. Of course Hux had requested some kind of sleeping aid. Kylo was well aware of how tired he looked. He mumbled for the lights to fade out and fell asleep to the strangely pleasant memory of Hux gently inspecting his body.

  
~

  
Kylo dreamt again. He registered that it was a dream this time, which was the only thing preventing him from immediately panicking when he realised that he was completely naked. He also appeared to be floating in some kind of void. His surroundings were empty, endlessly black, yet he could still see himself. It was a pleasant sort of weightlessness. Peaceful. Kylo noticed that his bruises had all disappeared, and when he turned his head there was no pain in his shoulder. Instead, a smooth, healed wound. It sat against his skin like a smudge beside a second scar; a jagged, knarled trough of skin. A permanent reminder of his failure on Starkiller.

  
As he drifted, he became aware of another presence. He could feel it moving around him yet couldn't see anything or anyone there with him. Then, a sudden touch. Fingertips he couldn't see, brushing along the scars of his shoulder, caused him to twist in surprise. Yet he felt a sense of calm, there was no malice in the touch. Besides, it felt good. Kylo idly wondered as the invisible touch continued, tracing the length of the twin scars there and running up along his collarbone, whether the touches were something he had willed into existence intentionally. The dream seemed particularly lucid, if unusual.

  
"It's probably best you not think about it."

  
A voice. _Hux's_ voice? Accompanying it, a second point of pressure, brushing around the outline of the puckered scar spread across the side of his abdomen. Like the impact of a small crater, his parting gift from the wookie. It had healed, but the area of skin remained tight and he'd lost all sensation there. More pressure from additional, further points of contact. Kylo's eyes flickered closed as he exhaled slowly. In any other situation he'd be embarrassed at how eagerly he submitted to his desire to be touched. Painfully aware that the last time he'd touched anyone, skin to skin, _real physical contact_ and not through the force, it had been as he'd looked into the eyes of his father as he'd died. Kylo shook his head, trying to rid himself of that thought. He still couldn't see anyone else, yet every nerve in his body was humming beneath the attention of the many caresses and gentle touches now covering it. He could feel himself responding, a warm feeling building in his gut, a tightening in his chest. He squirmed where he hung, floating in the void of his dreamspace, a pathetic attempt to twist away from the stimulation as he became embarrassingly aroused and consumed by the sensation. 

  
"Let go, Ren."

  
Kylo growled, pulling his limbs in close to his body and trying to curl up, to pull himself away, defend against the onslaught.

  
"You can't even submit to your dreams? This is clearly something you want. Something you _need_."

  
The pressure on his skin, fingertips brushing his neck, running down his spine, dragging down his stomach towards his groin.

  
"Just _let go_."

  
Hux's disembodied voice was jarring. It's tone was low, practically seductive and nothing like its usual clipped curtness. Kylo shook his head again, he'd never heard Hux talk like this before. Of all the voices to bring to life and associate with this intimate level of personal care and touch, why Hux? _Because he's all you have left. Because he helped you when nobody else would, even though you do not deserve it._ Before Kylo could dwell for too long on perhaps how unfortunately true that line of thought might be, he shuddered deeply. Unseen hands wrapping themselves around his now almost painfully hard cock. Fingers dragging through his hair, pulling slightly. Fingernails grazing skin. It was so much, all at once. _Too much_. With a gasp, Kylo finally submitted and stopped struggling, relaxing and allowing the invisible hands to manipulate him, to rove across his body. He groaned and shivered as they left no inch of him unattended. He'd never been touched like this before, he'd been so young when he'd joined his uncle's temple and then afterwards? He'd fallen immediately into his obedient role as Snoke's apprentice.

  
"So sad. Such a shame, such a _waste_."

  
Hux's voice again. Somewhere in the back of his mind Kylo knew he'd have to come to terms with that particular subconscious association. Right now though, he'd given up on all rational thought completely. Parting his mouth to admit the fingertips lightly skimming across his lips. They worked their way inside, delicately running along the sharp ridges of his teeth, brushing against his tongue as it curled against them. Kylo's eyes flickered shut, not knowing how to respond to any of this, unable to really _concentrate_ on any of this. It was so much and so new. Stroking, rubbing, pressing, caressing, occasionally clawing. He could feel himself rushing inevitably towards the release that the hands all over his body appeared so intent on achieving. Panic built up in his chest as all of the associated feelings, the inbuilt panic response tied to sexual pleasure came rushing back. The shame. The fear. He suddenly began writhing in the void, thrashing as if to push the hidden hands away. _This is weakness. This is impurity. He will know. He will punish you. Stop. STOP!_

  
~

  
Kylo woke up as pain lanced through his shoulder after apparently thrashing so hard in his sleep that he'd rolled off of the bed again. Cursing loudly at the pain in his shoulder and then again at the realisation that he was still almost excruciatingly turned on. He could still taste the fingers in his mouth, feel them on his body beneath his clothes. Kylo whined, pressing his hips forward to grind shamefully against the cold floor, but it wasn't the same. Shame and fear still blazed in his chest, fighting against the desire and arousal that still burned in his groin and deep within his gut. Kylo choked back a sob, forcing himself to lie still. After a few frustrating seconds, he pounded his fists against the floor which only served to irritate his shoulder further. He'd been so close. But he couldn't bring himself to let go.

  
_"Let go, Ren."_

  
Kylo's eyes snapped open as the ghost of Hux's voice returned to him. 

  
_Hux. _

  
He pulled himself awkwardly into a sitting position, leaning his back against the bed, trying desperately to ignore the hardness in his pants still clamouring for attention. 

  
_Hux. _

  
He staggered to his feet, one arm gingerly clutching his injured shoulder as he moved through to the tiny bathroom that branched off of the main chamber.

  
_Hux. _

  
Kylo considered the ramifications of his dream as he squirmed out of the clothes the droids had dressed him in while he'd been unconscious, throwing them out of the bathroom door as he disrobed. He paused a moment to stare at himself in the mirror above the sink, tracing the thin, healing wound on his shoulder beneath a layer of bacta-enriched bandage patched over the skin. Hux, or at least his droids, had done some impressive work to reduce the chance of too deep a scar. The memory of Hux's gentle, if clinical, touch flitted through Kylo's mind, which unfortunately reminded him of the dream and caused him to shiver. Kylo grumbled, kicking his pants out the door as he shut himself in the shower and turned the temperature right down. 

_Hux._

  
Kylo braced himself against the tiles on either side of the shower head as icy water cascaded down his back. He resolved that he would follow this line of thought through to its conclusion. He was Supreme Leader now, after all. He could do whatever he wanted. If it put a stop to further dreams like that one, all the better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're enjoying this so far, please do feel free to share this around. With tumblr having died a death (I'm the same username over there) it's harder to get word out that you're writing and working on fic that others might be interested in.  
All support so far has been very much appreciated. <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like I know this is a pretty in-universe fic but I can't handle using canon curses seriously so yeah, real world curses all the way.
> 
> This one gets a little bit heavy, just a heads up.

This was such a bad idea. 

  
Kylo had been screaming at himself internally on the entire walk across the ship to Hux's quarters. This was a _terrible_ idea. He also had no clue what he was going to say to the General upon arrival. But he had to do something. Any further dreams like that, colliding so horrendously with whatever awful conditioning he'd suffered throughout his training with Snoke and he felt he might spontaneously combust.

  
He appreciated that he must have looked a sight indeed, especially as he'd not given himself any time for his hair to dry, simply pulling his still-singed clothes back on and storming from his borrowed bedchambers. He had to stick to his resolve. If he looked back or hesitated at all, he knew he'd buckle and flee back to his bedchambers. He would be doomed to feel like this forever, and that could not happen. Besides, even after his drug-induced power-nap he was running on so little sleep that reasonable decision making was far, far beyond him at this point.

  
Kylo rounded the corner of the corridor leading to Hux's chamber door and he felt his heart drop into his boots. What exactly did he think he was going to say to him when he arrived? "Oh hey there General, I had an incredibly hot but incredibly weird dream about you - I think - but I'm too fucked up mentally to even jerk off! Also I think I'm going to _explode_ unless you help me somehow?" This was completely and utterly ridiculous. Kylo considered turning around, going back to his chambers and resigning himself to his fate, but his feet kept moving regardless. 

  
He reached Hux's chamber door, thumbed the controls to request entrance. He could feel Hux's presence inside the rooms beyond, faintly at first before rousing to the sound of the door chime. His energy seemed... groggy? Kylo suddenly became very aware of the time and grimaced.

  
"Oh, fuck."

  
The intercom beside the door hissed faintly, transmission channels opening from the other side, before it spat Hux's carefully measured words. He sounded both exhausted and quietly furious at the same time. Kylo felt slightly ill.  
"This had better be important."

  
Kylo cleared his throat. "Hux, it's me." A pause. "It's Kylo." A longer pause. He could imagine Hux seething through the durasteel door, attempting to moderate himself before he spoke next.

  
"Supreme Leader... My apologies. However I feel it prudent to remind you that I am due on the bridge in several hours, and to add that I finished my last shift around an hour ago."

  
"Hux I really..." Kylo paused, sighed. "I need to talk to you."

  
The following silence was excruciating, broken finally by the click and hiss of the door unlocking and sliding open. Hux stood on the other side in the poorly lit living space, hair sleep-mussed, wearing standard officer-issue black pyjama pants and a long robe which he must have shrugged on after getting out of bed. His feet were bare against the shiny black tiles prevalent throughout the entire ship. 

  
"Are you going to come inside? Or are we having this conversation out in the corridor," Hux said, with a level of impressively restrained anger.

  
Kylo realised he'd been staring. At the General out of uniform. At his neat, sparsely decorated living space. It was predominantly black and chrome, very Hux. The General looked so... small. So human. Kylo stepped inside, feeling sheepish. Trying to find the words to begin to cover what he had come here to discuss. He was so tired. Mentally and physically. It was all starting to catch up to him. In the awkward silence while Kylo stood in the center of the living room, Hux sighed and walked to a long couch, sitting and crossing one leg over the other. His fingers rose to his temples and massaged small circles.

  
"Is your shoulder giving you some trouble? Was there a complication with the medication you were issued? Or do you require additional pain relief? I can have another sleep aid administered if that would help, although-"

  
"How do you deal with, like... arousal?" Kylo's frazzled brain had given up trying to find a logical segue to the topic he so desperately needed to speak with _somebody_ about. The internal screaming that he'd felt on his walk to Hux's chambers had been a constant, and he felt it dial up a few notches as the words tumbled out of his mouth. If he could have kicked himself for that being the opener to the veritable deluge of personal problems he needed to get out in the open, he would. 

  
Hux froze, opening his eyes and slowly looking over to Kylo from the couch as though he couldn't quite believe what he was hearing.

  
"I beg your pardon?"

  
"You work so hard. All the time," Kylo remained standing in the center of the room, un-moving, addressing Hux while looking at nothing in particular, eyes glassy. It was as if he was in a trance. "You do everything, you oversee everything. You barely have time to sleep, it seems. How do you do it? How do you let go?" he paused as a thought struck him. "_Do_ you let go?"

  
Hux blinked, expression stuck somewhere between suspicion and disbelief. "Supreme Leader, are you feeling well?"

  
"Not really" Kylo admitted. He'd lost control of himself, the words, truthful as they were painful, came forth unbidden. It felt as though he were watching the situation unfold from a control room inside of his own head, and he'd been locked out from accessing any of the consoles. "I don't really know what to do."

  
"What.. what to do? What to do about _what_?" 

  
Hux's hands had fallen to his lap as he regarded Kylo. He was still extremely suspicious, perhaps wondering if the force-user he'd allowed into his bedchambers in the middle of the graveyard cycle had finally gone mad. Kylo was well aware that he appeared to be coming apart at the seams and had deposited this mess directly at the feet of the General in the middle of what passed for night aboard the Supremacy.

  
"_Everything_. I don't know how to manage this ship, or the Order. I don't know how best to pursue the Resistance. I can't sleep. I keep thinking about..." Kylo's voice was wavering as the months of isolation, confusion and redundancy that had taken their toll on his mind and body began pouring out. ".. About how I was never trained for this. For _any of this_. Snoke knew that. I was nothing but a... a pet." 

  
Kylo ground his teeth together, hands tightening into fists at his sides. "A pet he'd effectively neutered so as to never become a true threat. Who could never succeed on the throne." He noticed that his vision was becoming blurry. For a moment he worried he was about to pass out before realising instead that his eyes were filling with tears. He should have felt ashamed, to be discussing this with the man he'd hated for so long. His opponent with whom he'd vied for Snoke's attention and praise for years.   
Slowly, Kylo understood that he had been feeling a deep shame for so long that he'd hit bottom and that it had become his natural state. That none of this was uncomfortable to discuss because he couldn't get any lower. The realisation finally broke him. His shoulders slumped as his head lowered. His eyes scrunched closed. He felt his knees shaking, threatening to give out, finding that he was trembling pretty much all over.

  
"Kylo... why are you telling me all of this?" Hux's tone was... softer. This, plus the use of his name, stirred Kylo into finally looking at the General. Hux looked concerned, similar to how he'd briefly appeared back while examining Kylo's shoulder. Whether it was concern for his own well being or for Kylo, couldn't be determined.

  
"I-I don't-.. I don't know I just-..." the words caught in Kylo's throat. He took an unsteady step forward, Hux flinching in response and pressing himself back into the couch. How quickly the General's concern transformed into fear, when all Kylo had wanted was for someone, somehow, to care about him, was too much to bear. The sudden impact of how alone he was in the galaxy hit him hard. He'd been shown the briefest of simple kindnesses by another human being and had grabbed onto it like a life-raft in a storm. He fell to his knees, grunting as they hit the tiles, a sob threatening to bubble up from where it was brewing in his chest. "I don't know what to do. He's been dead for months and he still fucks with my head. I have nightmares. I can't bear to... to touch myself, at all. I'm so _lonely_..." The words poured from him as he hung his head once more. "For so long I wanted to become him, I knew... I _thought_... that I had to take his place one day. I was such a fool." Self-pity and sorrow gave way to anger as Kylo felt his body tensing up again, furious at himself and how blind he had been. For all those years. "Now that I'm here, on the throne? I don't want to be _anything_ like him."

  
"It is unfortunate how we allow those we believe we can trust affect us and abuse that same trust" Hux responded after a moment to absorb his Leaders' words. Kylo heard him shift in his seat to lean forward. His tone was still calm, if as rational and seemingly detached as always. He appeared to be doing what Hux did so well; assessing a situation and handling it. "Even though we are usually aware we should know better, sometimes it is hard to help yourself." Kylo sniffed, lifting his head to look up at the General, his dark eyes rimmed with tears which continued to fall soundlessly when he blinked. Tracing paths down his cheeks. "Snoke was a monster. He used people like puppets, and now he is gone. Thanks to you." Kylo wasn't sure how that last part was supposed to come across, as gratitude or as an accusation, or a simple statement of fact. Hux's expression betrayed nothing as he leaned forward, elbows on his knees, lacing his fingers casually as he lowered his head to continue speaking. "You are not Snoke. You're free to carve your own path in the galaxy." Kylo found himself unable to look away from Hux's cold, penetrating stare. "You are the Supreme Leader of the First Order. Our figurehead, and a powerful force user." Hux straightened up after that, glance shifting away as he leaned back into the couch. "Whether we like it, or not" he said, finally. Kylo swallowed, unable to take his eyes off the bedraggled redhead, whose thoughts were clearly beginning to return to how little sleep he'd had. "You need to get through this... whatever it is. People are beginning to take note of your absence. It doesn't look good."

  
"Did you not hear a word I just said?" Kylo growled. "I was trained as a _living weapon_. I can't _lead_ these people!"

  
Hux scowled at him. "There is no need to raise your voice. I was merely stating the facts. Whatever it is you are going through right now, it needs to stop."

  
"Don't you think I know that? Why do you think-"

  
"You came to me for help, yes?" Hux interrupted him curtly, fixing him with that same icy stare. Kylo nodded. "Then let me help you" the General spoke as he rose from the couch "You clearly need sleep. Stand up." Kylo staggered upright, knees complaining from the force with which they'd hit the floor. Hux had moved across the room, bare feet making quiet little sounds against the tiles as he walked to a wall and pressed against a panel, opening a cabinet door and pulling out some blankets. "You will stay here, as you appear incapable of holding yourself together right now, and I cannot risk the early shift seeing you leaving my chambers."

  
"In... here?" Kylo's brows furrowed, he turned his head slowly toward where he presumed the bedroom was.

  
"In _here_" snapped Hux, storming over to the couch once again and throwing the blankets upon it, before moving to the opposite wall and typing into a console. "I'm summoning another droid to administer another sleep aid. _Clearly_ the dose was poorly calculated last time."

  
"Hux..." Kylo muttered weakly, turning to flop unceremoniously onto the couch.

  
"I'll need to look at your dietary schedule, and your training routines for that matter. You've clearly been going at it too hard. Your rib cage was a _disaster_.."

  
"_Hux_." The General turned from the console, its glow lighting half of his face in the dim room. Kylo floundered slightly. He knew what he wanted but he needed reason to ask for it, remembering how soothing it had felt when Hux's hands were on him before. "No more drugs. I had a really... weird... dream. Last time." Kylo shifted uncomfortably in his chair. Hux frowned at him. "Can... can you help me with this?" Kylo gestured at his tunic, rolling his injured shoulder slightly and wincing. It was performative, and shameful, and Kylo was well aware of this. Yet he did it anyway.

  
With a sigh, flicking the console off before making his way over, Hux swiftly unfastened Kylo's belt once more, removing it along with his tunic and, without the need of a blade this time, the shirt he wore beneath. The clothes were folded, of course, and placed on the floor beside the couch in lieu of many other nearby surfaces in the room. The care with which Hux undressed him, despite the lack of any warmth in the act, once again washed over Kylo like a soothing wave. He expected the General to leave after he had finished, to try and catch as much sleep before his shift as he could, but to Kylo's surprise, Hux came back over after placing the clothes down. He was squinting at Kylo's shoulder, appraising the work of the droids he'd assigned to the task of patching him up, Kylo presumed. He tried not to gasp when Hux raised his hand, pressing his fingertips either side of the sutured-closed, bacta-patched wound. His fingers were warm. His skin soft. Kylo couldn't help but fixate on how the General was no longer wearing his gloves. He swallowed hard, before speaking again, trying not to let his voice crack.

  
"You didn't answer me. Before."

  
"Answer you? With regards to what?" Hux remained frustratingly focused on Kylo's shoulder.

  
"Whether you... have trouble. Letting go." Kylo paused, swallowing again, trying to hide his nerves and feeling foolish. "Getting off."

  
Hux froze as he had before. His fingertips however, remained pressed against Kylo's skin. His eyes met Kylo's as he responded.

  
"That is an extremely personal and inappropriate question. I'm going to blame your lack of regard for personal boundaries, along with the rest of this evenings events, on what appears to be extreme sleep deprivation and physical exhaustion."

  
"No, Hux, _please_. Listen to me!" Kylo tried to keep from raising his voice again, but he so desperately needed to speak to someone about this particular problem. He'd come so far, and Hux appeared to be open to helping him through the rest of his difficulties. "I had Snoke in my head for so long. For so _long_, Hux. Telling me what to do, what not to do. He knew _everything_. What I was thinking, what I wanted. What I'd done or thought about doing..." As he spoke, Hux withdrew, clearly uncertain as to where he was going with this. Once again, Kylo felt an unpleasant sadness at the loss of his touch. The General sighed deeply, before adjusting his robe, perhaps so used to the gesture after wearing that coat for so long. He folded his arms defensively and was unable to make eye contact with Kylo as he responded.

  
"If you must know, I rarely get the time for such... _proclivities_. As you say, I am extremely busy."

  
"But you do take the chance, when you can? You are _able_ to?"

  
"Of course" Hux snapped, his tone indicating as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. His cheeks were beginning to flush, clearly he was uncomfortable with this discussion. "I'm human, after all. I have..." Hux waved his hand in a vague gesture "... _needs_."

  
Hux's words, without intention, stung. Kylo's posture sagged. He found himself feeling mildly _jealous_.

  
"So maybe thats it. Maybe I'm so messed up that I'm not even capable of that. Not even human anymore" Kylo muttered with a shrug, mostly to himself. He heard and sensed Hux shifting uncomfortably from his position a few feet away.

  
"Supreme Leader I don't... I don't know what you expect me to do."

  
"Kylo."

  
"I-... pardon?"

  
"Please just, call me Kylo. Or Ren, like you used to." Kylo felt Hux staring at him, bewildered. More than anything he wished he could make Hux understand how all of the titles made him feel even less like himself. More like Snoke. He almost missed the time when all he had to worry about was whether or not he'd be exchanging barbs with the redhead from day to day.

  
"It is against protocol, what if the crew were to think-"

  
"_Fuck_ the crew. Just when it's us, then. Alone." Kylo winced as soon as he said it, feeling Hux bristle at the insinuation.

  
"_Alone_? You think that we're going to have many more of these little discussions after hours? What exactly did you come here for, Ren. If this is some kind of proposition then you are exceptionally, woefully bad at this," Hux's lip curled in disgust.

  
Kylo scowled, wounded at Hux's clear distaste at the suggestion. He staggered to his feet and within a few steps had closed the distance between them. The General stood fast yet Kylo noted the colour drain from his face. Saw the fear behind the anger in his eyes. Both men were acutely aware, in that moment more than ever, that Kylo Ren could take, or do, whatever he wanted. He was Hux's superior in both rank and physical strength. Hux stared defiantly at Kylo regardless, proud to a fault.

  
"You think after everything I just said to you, _that_ is what I came here for?" Kylo was feeling something oddly akin to... betrayal? A terrible sadness that his one confidant in the galaxy believed him that much of a fiend.

"Look, if-..." Hux stuttered, taking a moment to compose himself, his expression stoic and almost... resigned. He swallowed before continuing. The calm tone of his voice sounding forced. "If it was, I would request that you.... that you _not_."

  
Kylo exhaled a shaky breath at hearing further confirmation of what Hux was accusing him of. The very idea that Hux believed him capable of undertaking such an act was devastating.

  
"You think that I would do something like that?" Kylo snarled, trying to stop his voice from cracking. Hux's pale eyes practically sparked in the darkness of the room as his forced calm dissolved back into fury.

  
"Need I remind you that you have a track record of violence with those _powers_ of yours" Hux spat. Kylo thought back to each and every time he'd assaulted the General.

  
"That was.. that was _different_!"

  
"_Was it_? Do you know how many times I've had to summon medical droids in private to avoid medbay visits of my own? Do you have any idea of the systems I have put in place to circumvent the medical records keeping track of the things you and Snoke put me through from day to day? You withdraw from the public eye, doing god knows what to yourself in private. I find you after a fit of madness having injured yourself, _covered_ in bruises. Then, after I overlook all of that, along with all of the times you utilised those _powers_ against me in the past, assaulting me in front of my men, I do my job in ensuring the safety and well-being of the leader of the First Order. And then you turn up here in the middle of the night. Telling me everything you just told me. What exactly am I supposed to think?"

  
Kylo lifted his chin to meet Hux's eyes again, his own filled with nothing but sadness. He took a step back, taking himself out of Hux's space.

  
"You really think I would do _that_. To you. To anyone?"

  
Hux inhaled deeply, holding a moment before exhaling. His arms were folded firmly across his chest, shoulders hunched, defensive. "I don't know what to think right now, Kylo."

  
"Taking everything and anything you want, with the powers that you wield as a force-user. Utilising the power of the dark side. That's _Snoke_. Not me" Kylo thought about all of his past transgressions, and added, quietly. "Not anymore."

  
"The prisoners we capture for interrogation. The ones we save for you, the ones only you can crack. The pilot. The scavenger. You invade their minds and grope through their thoughts. Was it really an impossible leap to presume you might utilise the same lack of scruples against me? After what you were asking me, alone in my private quarters, neither of us properly dressed?"

  
Each word sliced into Kylo's heart like a blade. The true sadness of it all was that he was right to have had those fears. What Hux was accusing him of was never something he would consider though, however he had behaved in the past, the things he'd done. They were inexcusable.

  
"You're right. I've done some terrible things." Kylo was finding it hard to talk, his throat felt tight. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry for my past actions. I'm not..." He gritted his teeth together. He had to admit what he knew he needed to say next, to himself if anything else. "I'm not stable. I've been held in this unbalanced state for so long that I'm... struggling to cope right now. Now that the shackles are off. I know that's no excuse, and I'm not asking for you to forgive me. But after you found me, before. The way you helped me... I know you were just doing your job. You clearly stated as much." Kylo scowled, that part had hurt quite a bit. "It had been the first time someone had appeared to truly care about me, even just a little, in more years than I can really remember. I'm sorry for seeking out more of the same."

  
Kylo turned, moving back to the couch and slumping onto it, wincing at how it jarred his ever growing list of healing injuries. He rolled over to face the back of the couch. "You should go get some sleep. I'm sorry for intruding on you tonight." So many apologies. All of them pointless.

  
Hux lingered in the room for a few moments, Kylo heard him shuffling, probably adjusting his robe again. He wondered if he hid a knife up one of those sleeves, too. Tempted to reach out and try to catch a glimpse into how the General was feeling, what he was thinking, Kylo decided against it. Not after what he'd just been accused of. That was going to haunt him for a while. In time, Hux returned to his bedchambers. The door slid closed and the unmistakable click of a lock activating could just be made out. Hux was right, Snoke had been a monster, but as Kylo Ren lay there in the dark, remembering everything he had done, the scavengers' words came back to him. He'd agreed with her then, he agreed with her even now.

  
He was a monster, too.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a little while, sorry. Your comments and notes have been giving me life, however. <3  
I've been thinking about where to take this fic, and it's likely to end up in the realms of fix-it fix, now that RoS is out. That said, this is likely to take a turn into potential spoilers/re-written RoS plot after a few chapters, as a heads up.

Kylo was roused some time later by someone carefully moving him onto his back on the couch. He blinked, raising a hand to rub at his eyes, beginning to panic in that bleary moment after waking up somewhere new, when he was unable to recognise his surroundings. A pair of hands held onto his shoulders to gently hold held him still.

  
"Stop moving, I need to change your dressing."

  
The lights were still down fairly low, but the events of last night were, unfortunately, beginning to come back to him as the figure before him came into focus. The robe and pyjamas were gone, replaced with the usual crisp black uniform and immaculately styled hair.

  
"Hux?"

  
"Of course, who else would it be?" Hux spoke as a doctor would, with well practised and indifferent patience. "You're still in my quarters. I said I'd help you and I intend to keep to my word." As he spoke, he began to peel away the bacta bandage at his shoulder. It was still very tender, especially after the painkillers the droids had administered the night before had long since worn off, but Hux's administrations were worth it. Kylo let his eyes fall closed once more, the simple act of touch bringing about a sense of calm he'd barely managed to achieve in the past even through extensive meditation. While the General was removing the packaging from a fresh bandage, Kylo chewed on his bottom lip, before he spoke again.

  
"Look, Hu-...." He remembered the admonishment he'd received the night before regarding the use of titles and cautiously amended himself. "General... About last night..."

  
"It's fine" Hux cut in. Whether it truly was or not, his tone indicated that he'd brook no argument. "You're going through something. I'm glad you came to me." Kylo hissed through his teeth as pressure was applied to the bandage to adhere it to his skin. While one hand applied pressure to the bacta-pad, the other rested firmly against the skin beside it. The result was soothing enough to counteract the pain. "Now that I am aware of the problems, I can work on resolving them."

  
Kylo chuckled. "The _problems_. That's a very neat term for referring to me. I've been a constant problem for you, admit it." This sort of casual, easy conversation was something he found he'd missed. He could get used to it, and was extremely relieved that the events of the night before hadn't completely soured the General's view of him. At least it didn't seem that way, especially not when Kylo's comment appeared to elicit a smirk from the man.

  
"Your words, Ren. Not mine."

  
His name, abbreviated, the lack of proper title, was like a balm to his frazzled psyche. However the brief moment of peace was all over too soon. As soon as Hux was satisfied the bandage had been properly applied, he stood back up, taking the old bandage and the packaging of the new over to the trash compactor chute for disposal. As he moved to where his coat hung on a peg beside the door, he spoke over his shoulder at Kylo who had rolled into an upright position and begun pulling his clothes back on.  
"You're going to need that changing one more time, then you should be able to go without. The bacta is doing its job admirably. You're lucky you seem to be a good healer."

  
"Oh uh, right." Kylo had managed to struggle into his shirt, pulling the mesh down over his body. The bruises were already starting to fade. Hux turned to look at him as he stood up to pull his tunic on, mesh shirt with its tight pleated sleeves clinging to his body, as per their design. The General stared at him a while, before looking away and clearing his throat.

  
"I can come by your quarters to do it myself." Hux removed his gloves from a pocket of his coat and slipped them on. "Or I could send a droid, if you'd prefer?"

  
Kylo paused as he was bending to reach for his belt, glancing at Hux who appeared to be waiting for a response. Under all of the layers of fabric, hair product, gaberwool and leather, Hux looked completely different from the night before when he'd appeared vulnerable and raw. Right now he looked capable. Powerful. Stable. Kylo stomach began to feel strange, the longer he looked at him.

  
"You know how I feel about droids."

  
"Right." Hux straightened the lapels of his coat. The corner of Kylo's mouth twitched into a small smile as he noticed the now familiar gesture. "I'll be along as soon as I finish my shift. I'll send you a message-..." The General paused, the muscles in his jaw tensing as he remembered with apparent frustration. "Please be sure to requisition yourself a new data pad." As he turned to leave, he issued several further demands while Kylo was fastening his belt. "You are to stay away from the training rooms until those ribs heal, and try to show your face around the ship a little more. Don't let them forget you exist."

  
Kylo had a sudden realisation as the door to Hux's chambers slid open, bright light from the corridor outside spilling inward.

  
"General, wait!"

  
Hux turned in the doorway, framed by the light.

  
"Just Hux, is fine" he said calmly. "While we're alone." Kylo's stomach felt strange again. So did his chest.

  
"What if someone sees me leaving?" The General smirked, levelling Kylo with a look that said _you already know the answer to that question_. Kylo snorted. "That's not going to be a problem, is it."

  
"Not for the next fifteen minutes. I suggest you move quickly."

  
Then, turning on his heel and with a flourish of coattails, he was gone.

\------------------------------------------------------

  
Kylo made his way back to his chambers after a brief stop at the nearest requisitions desk. It took a few moments for the technician to set the datapad up with Kylo's credentials and lock its privacy functions to his DNA encryption, as per protocol. The moment Kylo successfully logged in for the first time, the flood of messages began to pour through, as before. The crew had been dutifully continuing to keep him updated as per his orders. He tucked the pad under his arm, nodded his thanks to the technician, and left. The datapad chimed all the way down the corridor until he figured out how to turn the notification sounds off.

  
As he'd been "forbidden" from entering the training facilities, Kylo found himself at a bit of a loss for keeping occupied for the rest of the day. He performed a cursory round of some of the more populated areas of the Supremacy, collecting food from the mess hall for a change rather than having it delivered by droid. He didn't eat amongst the staff however, nor did he eat in the officers mess. 

  
He took himself away to the throne room, locking the massive chamber doors behind him, and walked past the throne to the giant viewports. He sat down on the floor in the centre, leaning against the back of the throne, and began to eat with nothing in his immediate or peripheral vision but the vast expanse of space. As he did, he thumbed through the alerts and mission reports on his new data pad. Unfortunately, nothing of value appeared to have been obtained while he'd been secluding himself. He vaguely remembered something Hux had said earlier, about a smuggler's cargo holding useful information, but couldn't find anything in the backlog. He made a mental note to ask the General about that, hoping that he'd fail to remember exactly _why_ he hadn't finished giving his report. Kylo grimaced at the memory. 

  
Thinking about Hux reminded him of something else, and Kylo tapped around on the datapad for a while until he found the General's timetable. He supposed being Supreme Leader gave him the right level of clearance to permit viewing such a thing. Kylo's eyebrows raised slightly as he scanned through the man's densely packed schedule, taking particular notice of the lack of breaks and the time which he'd scheduled to be the "end" of his shift. With a small scoff and a shake of his head, Kylo tapped out a few more commands to enter an alert notification around Hux's "clocking off" time. It wouldn't do to miss getting his bandage changed. At least that's what he told himself.

  
It was only after he'd torn open a vaguely fruit-flavoured ration bar and eaten half of it, that he realised it wasn't the flavour he was used to. Admittedly, all of the food aboard First Order ships was long-life, pre-packaged and tasted like someone had described the concept of flavour to a robot. Kylo frowned and inspected the packaging but naturally, there were no discernable markings. He figured that the dispensary had simply made a mistake, or run out of his usual flavour. Thankfully it wasn't unpleasant, so he finished it before gathering the now empty packages of his meal together and leaving the throne room, depositing the garbage in the nearest recycling chute as he began another round of the busier corridors.

  
\-----------------------------------------------------

  
Kylo had been lying on the bed of his cramped living quarters for over an hour, tapping idly through some of the lesser used features of his datapad and trying to resist checking on Hux's timetable again. He was growing increasingly frustrated and slightly hurt, confused as to whether or not he'd been forgotten.

  
He was close to summoning a medical droid to come and change the bacta bandage as the entrance chime to his door sounded. Scowling, he tossed the datapad down onto the bedcovers as he stood up and stomped over to the controls. He was tempted to grill the General via the intercom system as to what had taken him so long. Or even send him away. Don't be petulant. Let him in. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and exhaled slowly before thumbing the door controls.

  
Hux seemed slightly taken aback as the door slid open abruptly, revealing Kylo who stood there shirtless, disgruntled, and looming in the doorway.

  
"You're late," Kylo grumbled.

  
Hux blinked.

  
"_Late_? I said I would be here at the end of my shift," he narrowed his eyes before a thin smile crossed his lips. "Have... you been checking up on me, Lord Ren?"

  
Kylo snarled, hands curling into fists at his sides as the General mocked him. He felt foolish. _And rightly so._

  
"I have better things to do than wait endlessly on you, Hux." In that moment, he felt strangely vulnerable, that he'd let his guard down by revealing that he _had_ been waiting, specifically on the man stood before him. The man trying not to keep an eye on what Kylo's now-quivering hands were doing. Again, Kylo remembered his conduct in the throne room previously, Hux's shameful accusation in his quarters. He forced himself to relax his posture, breathing heavily through his nose and stepping back into the room. As he reached the bed, he sat down on its edge and glared across at Hux who still stood just outside of the threshold. Might as well get this over with, so that both of them could go back to some semblance of normality and could work on forgetting that any of this had ever happened.

  
"Well? Are you coming in, or should I call for a medical droid after all."

  
Hux cleared his throat, adjusted the lapels of his coat, and stepped into the room. "My apologies, my Lord-"

  
"Just Kylo."

  
"...Of course," Hux sniffed at the interruption, moving both hands to clasp at the sides of his coat. Kylo supposed it was better than having them fixed rigidly behind his back. "I was unfortunately waylaid by several staff scheduling disputes. Plus there was an issue brought to light by the Security Bureau that required my immediate attention. Additionally, there were negative reports from several scouting patrols which I took the liberty of re-routing to additional possible Resistance trails before I left the bridge. Saves them wasting a cycle or two holding their location, waiting for a response which I'd need to approve anyway."

  
As he continued, Kylo noticed how weary the man looked. He felt even more guilty for going off at him for his tardiness.

  
"Hux, how often do you work past your shift cycles like this?" Kylo asked, quietly. Cutting the General off mid-flow. Again.

  
"Hm? Oh. Well... I suppose now that I think about it, fairly regularly," Hux replied, calmly.

  
"That doesn't sound..." Kylo struggled to find the right word. _Healthy? Sensible?_ "Very sustainable. And yes, if you must know, I checked your schedule earlier so I'd know when to be here and be awake. Are your shifts always that long?"

  
"More often than not. There's a lot to do around here," Hux said, stuffily. As if it were the most simple and obvious thing in the world. Kylo sighed, clearly this was a discussion for another time, when they were both considerably less tired. Plus, his shoulder was starting to ache. An uncomfortable pause hung in the air, before Kylo gestured to the sealed bacta bandage he'd obtained in advance, lying next to him on the bed.

  
"Shall we?"

  
Hux glanced at the bandage, seeming to remember why he had come to Kylo's room in the first place. The mild annoyance at Kylo's previous probing questions subsided and he gave a short nod, stepping not toward Kylo but the small console in the wall beside the door. He pulled up a few different information screens, and began asking Kylo questions in the same calm, cool tones he'd used before when he'd initially attempted to diagnose his injury. Kylo marvelled quietly to himself at how easily Hux could put his own needs and grievances aside and revert fully to business mode.

  
"You kept away from the training facilities as instructed?" Hux asked.

  
"As _requested_, Yes," Kylo corrected. Hux side-eyed the man as he continued.

  
"And you took a meal in one of the... public mess halls?" Hux's brows furrowed at the data on the screens before him, confused. He looked to Kylo for clarification.

  
"No. I picked up food there, but ate it... elsewhere. You said it would be a good idea to show my face some more."

  
Hux considered his words, before returning his eyes to the screen, flicking through a few more lists and data outputs. "I see. Was the meal to your liking?"

  
It was Kylo's turn to look confused. He'd eaten the same thing he'd always eaten, hadn't he?

  
"Y-es?" Kylo frowned. "Why?"

  
"I took the liberty of replacing those ghastly ration bars you'd been apparently eating for months, with something a little more interesting."

  
"Interesting?"

  
"Yes," said Hux, adding slightly uncomfortably "not to mention the ration was laced with a light painkiller. For your arm," he added quickly.

  
"You had my food _drugged_?" Kylo was struggling to keep from raising his voice, but the idea that Hux could very well have added whatever he liked to his meal that day, or any of the days prior, was extremely unpleasant.

  
Hux swallowed. "Perhaps I should have notified you prior."

  
"Yes," Kylo growled through gritted teeth, eyes blazing. "Perhaps you should have. If you do it again, you'll regret it." Kylo tried to ignore the futility of the threat, seeing as if Hux had wanted to poison him in future, he'd probably be too dead to retaliate. He had wondered why his shoulder had been feeling so reasonable all day. He'd put it down to his ability to "heal well", as Hux had remarked the night before. Now he just felt like an idiot.

  
"Apologies," Hux said, wearily. "It must have slipped my mind. It won't happen again. However, if you wish, I can ensure that until that shoulder heals your meals will contain the same ration. For the pain."

  
Kylo considered a moment, staring at the General for just long enough to make him shift uncomfortably on his feet, before nodding.

  
"Fine."

  
"Shall we get this bandage replaced then?" Hux said, turning away from the console and shutting down the displays in the same movement. Apparently satisfied with all of the answers Kylo had given and the data which the screens had provided. He stepped swiftly over to Kylo, knees nudging against Kylo's as he leaned across to pick up the fresh bacta patch.

  
"Can you hold this for me, please?" he asked, placing the patch into Kylo's hands. Hux then began removing the current bandage with as much care and precision as he'd applied it. No sooner had his hands touched Kylo's skin, regardless of the gloves they wore, Kylo was immediately lulled into a gentle calm. He inhaled slowly, held the breath for a moment. Now that Hux was all up in his personal space, he could smell the gaberwool of his coat, whatever aftershave and hair products he used. He wondered why he hadn't noticed it before.

  
"Hux," Kylo mumbled, sleepily.

  
"Hmm?" the General responded as he worked, peeling the last of the bandage from Kylo's shoulder. He leant in to get a better look at the healing injury, seemingly pleased at what he saw from the satisfied expression on his face.

  
"M'sorry for being mad. About the food."

  
Hux paused with his hands either side of the healing gash on Kylo's shoulder. He leaned back slightly, turning his head to look questioningly at Kylo.

  
"Kylo are you feeling well?"

  
Kylo frowned, Hux's scepticism breaking the sleepy spell that his hands had cast. "Can't I apologise?"

  
Hux was taken aback. "Of course, I just-"

  
"You did what was best, as you have a knack for doing. Thankyou."

  
Hux blinked at him. Kylo looked away, unable to hold his eye. The awkward silence was blessedly broken by the door buzzing again, causing Kylo to flinch. Hux however seemed unphased, and his lack of concern at the unexpected visitor was enough to ease Kylo's anxiety at being caught by a member of crew in such a compromising position. Hux took a few steps away from Kylo to open the door, allowing a small delivery droid to enter the chamber. He collected several items from the internal carrying compartment of the droid, replacing them with the used bacta bandage. Clearly the droid knew what to do after that, as it scuttled back out of the door which Hux promptly closed behind it, returning to Kylo with the items it had delivered.

  
Catching Kylo's eye, Hux held up his hands to reveal what he'd apparently ordered while tapping away at the control panel. He held several adhesive gauze-looking bandages, the type which didn't come pre-saturated with bacta, and a tube of some sort of ointment. Hux placed the bandages on top of one of the few flat surfaces in the room, and then returned to Kylo. When an explanation was not forthcoming, Kylo jutted his chin towards the door, trying to ignore the fact that Hux was now removing his gloves.

  
"What was all that about?"

  
Hux casually tucked his gloves loosely into his belt at his side as he picked up the tube of ointment again.

  
"I think after tonight you should be letting this heal on its own, so I requested a few items to help with that. The bacta will have done the best it can by then I would think. The wound needs air."

  
Opening the fresh tube, flipping the cap to puncture its seal, Hux squeezed a semi-translucent blue gel onto his fingertips. Kylo couldn't make out the words on the tube, but then again he wasn't particularly looking very hard.

  
"And that?"

  
"This is an antibacterial salve, with mild painkilling properties. Applied directly to the affected area, it's more localised and better suited for keeping you comfortable while you sleep," Hux placed his free hand onto Kylo's shoulder as the other came in with the gel. "This is probably going to be cold."

  
It was, but that wasn't entirely unpleasant. The injury was sore, tender, but Hux was taking care not to aggravate it with his movements as best he could. Kylo was trying not to be overwhelmed at both the touch and the fact that Hux had gone to such a precaution for him. Ordering the supplies, applying them himself, when he really didn't need to. A deep sadness tugged at his gut when he realised again that these recent moments with the General had probably been the first of their kind for a very long time. When someone had cared about his well-being, rather than whether or not he had the bare minimum required to function as a living creature. As a piece of property. He was puzzled as to why Hux was bothering, why he cared. He'd done nothing but be a thorn in the man's side for years now.

  
Regrettably, just as quickly as it had started, it was over. Hux finished massaging the blue gel into Kylo's skin, and had applied the clean bacta bandage just as expertly as he had before. Kylo had a thought, suddenly.

  
"Wait, you ordered more bandages?"

  
Hux paused and looked at him again like he'd said something ridiculous. Kylo felt foolish. He'd always hated how Hux had the ability to make him feel that way with just a look.

  
"Well, yes. With the clothes you wear, you want a barrier between the skin and those heavy fabrics for a while I'd imagine." That level of care again, thinking of things Kylo never would have considered himself. It made Kylo's throat feel tight. He put it down to Hux simply being efficient, as always.

  
"Right, so I just swap them out tomorrow or something?"

  
"After you shower," Hux explained, "remove this." He reached out briefly to brush a fingertip lightly across the edge of the bandage. Kylo shivered. "Shower, minding not to irritate it too much or get soap in it. Then pat it dry, and apply the new bandage."

  
Kylo looked at the small countertop where the fresh bandages lay. His first aid skills were woefully lacking.

  
"And they just.. you just open them? Stick them on?"

  
Hux looked over at the bandages, frowned, then looked back to Kylo. "Yes," his eyes narrowed curiously "Have you never done this before?"

  
Kylo scowled. He folded his arms across his broad chest before he realised too late how defensive and childish a gesture it was in the face of an uncomfortable question.

  
"No."

  
"I'm surprised," Hux said, eyes moving across Kylo's body, taking in his scars.

  
"Snoke didn't believe much in teaching others to better themselves," said Kylo, feeling oddly exposed as Hux looked him over. He decided to go with it, unfolding his arms and leaning back onto his elbows against the bedspread. He regretted it immediately as his shoulder twinged. "Snoke preferred droids when it came to repairing his stuff. Mechanical or meat, and he either didn't know what sedatives were or he was just a sadistic asshole."

  
Hux scoffed. Kylo tried not to be taken-aback, he'd never heard the man laugh in any capacity in all the years he'd known him.

  
"I'd bet it was probably the latter," Hux said as his eyes fell to Kylo's abdomen and the bowcaster-scar which had ravaged his left side. "I'm sorry," he said, sadly. All traces of humour in his expression, gone.

  
If Kylo had been surprised by the General's laughter, he was completely unprepared for his sympathy. He was surprised to find that it didn't make him angry as pity usually did, his tone had been genuine. Unpatronising. The moments Kylo had spent in and out of consciousness following the disaster of Starkiller had been... hazy. The pain, however, he remembered all too well. Snoke had spared very little bacta for his apprentice, simply enough to get him up and running again as soon as possible, and no painkillers as the droids had knitted his side back together. He had no idea if he'd been fed any sort of antibiotic, or whether he'd just gotten lucky and avoided an infection during the miserable time that had followed.

  
"I can return. Tomorrow. If that would help," Hux said quietly, after several moments had passed and Kylo had been unable to form a response. Kylo swallowed, Hux's words bringing him back to himself and away from reliving the events of Starkiller again in his mind.

  
"You wouldn't be too busy? I've seen your schedule."

  
"It won't take long, I can get it done before my shift starts. And I can show you what to do while we're both reasonably fresh, so you won't need my help again." For some reason those words made Kylo's stomach sink slightly. He scoffed, trying to play it off. 

  
"I doubt that."

  
The faint smile played at the corner of the General's mouth again as he stepped over to the refresher, washing the gel residue from his hands and drying them before returning. He pulled his gloves from his belt and slid them back on.

  
"In that case, I'll be back in..." Hux paused, glancing around the room for a time readout. He leaned across Kylo again and prodded his datapad, causing the screen to light up and display the time as they all did on wakeup. "Six hours."

  
"_Six hours?_" Kylo scolded, desperately ignoring how close the General had been as he leaned back. "You do shifts that long, regularly, on less than six hours sleep?" Hux sighed, turning for the door.

  
"Alright Kylo, you're not my mother. I know what I'm doing."

  
"I'm just saying.." Kylo replied, petulantly.

  
"Six hours," Hux called back over his shoulder, thumbing the door open. "Get some sleep."

  
"Same to you!" Kylo yelled, only slightly accusatory, as the door slid closed again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while! Check the notes at the end for a content warning.

Blearily rubbing his eyes, Kylo woke to the sound of his datapad chirping persistantly. He wasn't sure what that particular sound was trying to notify him of, as he'd never heard it before. Squinting at the screen in the darkness of his room he tried to figure out how to shut the thing up.

  
**ALARM: 07:00**

  
Kylo grumbled, he'd not been woken by anything other than his own volition for months. Alarms sucked, a feeling that returned and was all too familiar as he fumbled with the screen trying to shut the thing off. Strangely, he didn't remember having ever set it himself, realising with a low groan that Hux had been the last person to handle the blasted thing. As tempted as he was to ignore the alarm, and after several frustrating seconds of failing to find the snooze function (if one existed - unlikely), Kylo managed to shut the alarm off and haul himself out of bed. It was probably for the best that he at least remove the current bandage and get his shower out of the way before Hux arrived. Especially as he didn't know when exactly that would be.

  
Removing the bandage was far less simple than Hux made it out to be. Kylo found himself pulling too hard, too fast, yanking at tender, sore skin beneath. With a final string of curses, the bandage was removed and tossed aside to be disposed of later. While showering, Kylo remembered what Hux had told him, letting the water cascade down over the injury without hitting it directly and avoiding getting soap in it as best he could. Afterwards, managing to catch himself before giving the usual rough rub-down with a towel he normally opted for, he gently patted the shoulder dry before taking a look at it in the small mirror over the sink. Normally he avoided mirrors. After Starkiller, regardless of how well the droids had put his face back together, he was still left with a very visible, permanent memory of his failure to kill a traitor and a force-fresh, untrained girl. Now though, he wasn't looking at his face, or even trying to avoid looking at it, as he admired how well his shoulder had healed up.

  
There would be a scar, of course. Kylo suppressed a snort of derision at himself, this was probably all he would amount to, a collection of scars, none of which so far had been the result of a successful confrontation.

  
"Oh this one here? Yeah I got in a fight with my bed sheets," he muttered to himself in faux conversation, brushing his fingertips lightly along the still-pink, healing flesh. It would scar yes, but the skin would be far less gnarled and uneven.

The door chimed as Kylo had yanked his pants back on, hair still wet and clinging to his face. Hux, after stepping inside, looked just as immaculately put together as he usually did. How a man seemed to function so well on so little sleep, Kylo would probably never understand. He'd never been a morning person.

  
"How are you feeling?" asked Hux, briefly looking Kylo up and down, still only half-dressed and without having properly dried his hair. The tips dripped onto his boots as he pulled them on.

  
"Sore," Kylo tried not to grimace as he dressed himself. Moving his shoulder around was still uncomfortable, painful even.

  
"It'll feel the worst first thing after waking up," Hux said sagely.

  
"You suffered many injuries like this, General?" Kylo sat upright after fastening his second boot, resting his elbows on his knees and trying not to glare too hard at the man. He was still bitter about the early wake-up, even though it had been for the best as he'd managed to keep to a reasonable timeframe for Hux's arrival as a result. However his shoulder _hurt_, and he was _hungry_, and it was _so early_. He was definitely not a morning person. There was something else too, simmering just beneath the surface.

  
"Not personally, no," Hux sniffed, apparently mildy stung by Kylo's words and tone. "However you will have spent the night burning off the medicines and painkillers taken before sleep. So it's a logical conclusion." Kylo felt sheepish again.

  
"It's looking a lot better," Hux continued, gesturing to Kylo's shoulder before picking up one of the fresh gauze bandages from the small side-table. A small part of Kylo realised and subsequently lamented that this was probably it. The last time he'd be this close or intimate with another human for, well... a long time, he presumed. Another few years, perhaps.

  
"Yeah..." Kylo replied, half-heartedly. Hux was probably waiting for some kind of thanks, but Kylo was too wrapped up in himself to notice. 

  
He watched as Hux talked him through the various different types of bandage, how and when to use them, how best to apply them so as to make them easy to remove but not so much so that they'd not last the required length of time adhered to the body. He listened to the General explain the details of the blue healing salve, when to apply it, how to apply it. Kylo did try to take it in, he really did, but the finality of this brief series of encounters with Hux was coming to its inevitable conclusion. Most of him felt oddly sad. A smaller part buried deeper down was confused as to why.

  
Hux gathered together the various items which needed disposing, supposedly planning on doing so on his way out, fastidious as always. Kylo had once again been patched back up, and supposedly had been shown how to do it himself in future if needed. Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he is no longer a drain on your time. How useful. How efficient.  
After Hux left, Kylo sat on the edge of his bed again, thumb brushing along the edge of the new, coarse bandage. Brushing along where Hux had touched. He sat until his wet hair stopped dripping onto his shoulders. Until he stopped feeling sad, and just felt strange and numb instead. 

  
He wasn't sure which felt worse.

  
\--------------

  
Several days later, Kylo sat in the vast throne chamber with his back against the throne once again, looking out into space. He'd continued to collect his meals from the more populated mess halls in an attempt to maintain a presence among the crew. It was still reasonably sound advice, he thought. He also idly wondered if Hux was checking up on those stats, as he'd done previously. If he was still keeping track of what the Supreme Leader had been doing, where he'd been going, whether he'd been eating regularly.

  
He noticed then that the medicated rations had been replaced with the same plain bars he'd been eating before. The realisation felt a lot worse than he thought it would. It made sense, his shoulder was healing well and barely hurt in the mornings anymore, but still. No need for the special medicated rations. Back to normality.

  
Having lost his appetite, Kylo stared miserably out at the stars for a while, food sitting untouched in his lap. 

  
He dumped the uneaten remains of his meal down a garbage chute on his way out of the throne room.

  
\--------------

  
While the distraction of his injury and the brief intermissions with Hux that had followed had been a welcome change of pace, slowly but surely things began to revert to how they once were. The pain in his shoulder had subsided to a dull ache on a morning, and the area was no longer sensitive to soap or water while showering. Kylo still took slightly more care than he used to while getting dressed, but otherwise he was back to normal for the most part. Unfortunately, the uncomfortable thoughts had begun to return, bringing with them sleepless nights and further spontaneous cold showers. It was an exceptionally frustrating and embarrassing problem, and Kylo turned to the only solution that had brought him a semblance of peace in the past.

  
After several hours of struggling to sleep, trying to banish wayward thoughts from his mind and failing, Kylo dragged himself from his bed, pulled on a lightweight black vest, strapped his saber to his belt and headed for the training rooms. He resolved to talk to Hux or someone the next day, after he'd hopefully exhausted himself into sleeping, to state that he needed to get back out into the field. Staying on this ship doing nothing was driving him mad.

  
When he reached the training rooms he jabbed an override keycode violently into the pad by the door. It bleeped a shrill sound to indicate that it was outside of standard operating hours, however the doors slid open regardless, and Kylo stepped into the vacuous space. He stopped at a command console placed at the edge of the small viewing platform overlooking the vast training floor below. 

  
Tapping his credentials into the console brought up the last training session he'd undertaken, which had been exceptionally punishing. As if somehow aware of his thoughts, his shoulder twinged as a reminder that he was still healing. Kylo dialled the programme down a couple of notches, before he set it live and hopped over the platform's partition, rolling his shoulder in an attempt to warm up the tight muscles.

  
The doorways to several tunnels hidden in the walls of the chamber slid open and eight sturdy training droids wielding various melee weapons strode out onto the field. Several were armed with tall vibro-voulges, the rest had various deadly-looking vibro blades of different shapes and sizes in place of hands at the ends of long mechanical arms. The droids lumbered into place, forming a circle around Kylo as the doors slid closed again, locking all combatants into the chamber. The droids themselves were obviously not made from lightsaber resistant materials, as that would have cost an absolute fortune. Kylo made up for this weakness in his opponents by cranking their A.I and reflexes.

  
As the droids moved into position and fell silent, Kylo stood with his feet shoulder-width apart. Arms by his sides, eyes closed. Finding his center, breathing slowly and channeling his focus. Doing what he'd been trained to do.  
Things may have changed an awful lot following the demise of Snoke, and it's true that Kylo might not know how to fill the shoes of the Supreme Leader. Or lead the First Order, for that matter. He had no clue where to begin hunting down and eradicating the remains of the Resistance. However while the majority of his adult life had been spent in relative seclusion, keeping him from learning how to socialise properly, preventing him from appreciating and understanding tactics and leadership, he had been extensively taught to do one thing. 

And he did it well.

  
The droids all activated in unison, switching into their various battle stances. Kylo remained steadfast, eyes closed. A pillar of calm. All of the grief and boredom and frustration, everything he'd had to deal with as part of his new life as Supreme Leader, melted away. Right here, right now, it was just these droids, Kylo Ren, and his lightsaber.

  
The first of the droids, a nasty looking thing, hunch-backed with claw-like blades at the end of its arms, moved first. It launched itself towards Kylo, claws extended, aiming to either disembowel or decapitate. In a swift, fluid motion, Kylo had drawn his saber from its place on his belt, ignited it, and parted the droid from its arms in one flourish. On the backswing, Kylo caught the droid from thigh to opposite shoulder, bisecting it diagonally in half.

  
As the two halves of the first droid fell to the floor, the others whirred into action. Kylo found himself besieged on all fronts, arching his back to avoid the lunging thrust of a vibro-voulge with a blade the length of his arm, ducking back beneath it as it withdrew only to parry attacks from two other droids. His body complained as he'd been avoiding the training room since the incident with his shoulder, and as such he was not as limber as he usually was. Muscle memory and years of relentless training paid off though, as he managed to dodge most of the training droids' attacks.

  
Twisting to avoid another onslaught from the voulge as it sliced through the air towards him, Kylo felt a searing pain carve up his back as the jagged blade of a droid behind him managed to hit home. With a roar he whipped around, lightsaber raised to block the returning downward strike from the droid and delivered a powerful kick to its body, sending it sprawling backwards. No sooner had it hit the ground than Kylo was upon it, driving his saber through the droid's neck at the base of its head. The various little lights covering its body blinked out, and it lay there on the tiles oozing oil as Kylo returned to the fray.

  
Two more droids joined their companions in crumpled, dismembered heaps in quick succession. Four remained.

  
A droid with four long, pointed arms burst through its companions and lanced one of its rapier-like blades into Kylo's arm. It paid for that by having its chest cavity ripped apart and the inner workings inside roughly torn out. They went one way, its twitching body was force-thrown the other. 

  
The third remaining droid was separated neatly from its legs. Kylo's lightsaber drove through its head after it continued to try and drag itself towards him, its arms skittering and slipping on the smooth tiled floor.

  
As Kylo turned to finish off the last of the remaining droids, the butt of a vibro-voulge caught him off guard, sweeping him off his feet. He landed on his back, breath knocked out of him and striking his head hard enough for the world to go a little bit fuzzy.  
Vision swimming, Kylo was just able to make out the remaining two droids who were moving in for the kill. He rolled to one side, avoiding a devastating downward blow from the voulge which would easily have driven straight through him if he'd been a fraction slower. The injuries to his back and arm were burning white hot, however the adrenaline coursing through his system was preventing them from affecting his performance too much. If anything, the pain fuelled him.

  
His head was still foggy from the fall, reactions not as sharp as they had been. While trying to avoid the various blades whirring through the air, wielded by droids who had no such problems of their own, Kylo's foot caught the remains of an earlier droid and he went down again. Sprawling across the floor atop a combination of jagged mechanical parts and cold floor, now slick from the various oils and lubricants that had seeped from the destroyed droids.

  
Kylo didn't have time to react. The two droids were upon him before he'd managed to right himself. He didn't see them leap towards him, it was all a blur of motion.

  
Just as their blades had raised in preparation to deliver the final strikes, the floodlights up in the ceiling of the training room burst to life. An ear-splitting alert signalling an emergency stop sounded throughout the hall, Kylo screamed as the agonisingly loud noise pierced through his already sore head. When he tried to raise a hand to shield his eyes from the bright lights, it brushed against the blades of the remaining two droids. One holding a curved vibroblade, the other with the voulge. Both blades were inches away from his throat.

  
"What the _hell_ do you think you're doing?"

  
Kylo blinked, shaking his head. He couldn't see a thing through the combination of the floodlights and a probable concussion. Is that? No... it couldn't be...  
  
  
"Hux?" Kylo croaked.

  
A second, thankfully quieter alert sounded. The two droids slowly withdrew their weapons, righting themselves to placid non-combat positions. The doors in the sides of the chamber slid open again, and the droids calmly exited the room. While the ringing in his ears from the emergency stop alert hadn't quite subsided, Kylo heard the thud of boots landing on the floor of the training room followed by quick footsteps. The bright lights above were blocked as someone knelt down to lean over him. Kylo blinked again, squinting, trying to clear his vision and fight against the haziness he was experiencing. It _was_ Hux.

  
"Are you out of your _mind_?" The General sounded furious, but Kylo could see concern in his eyes. At least he thought he did. He lay there and stared up at the man, hopelessly enraptured once again by the fact that Hux might just be worried about him.

  
"M'fine," Kylo managed to mumble, shifting slightly and reaching behind himself to pull half of a blood-smeared droid head out from underneath, tossing it casually aside. "See? They came off worse."

  
"Seriously? Look at the state of you!" Hux scowled down at Kylo, who could do nothing but blink drunkenly up at him in return. "You need medical attention," he said, finally. "Can you walk?"

  
"Course I can," Kylo guessed. Truthfully he wasn't sure. Hux had leaned back and the lights were oppressively bright again. After standing up, Hux stared expectantly at Kylo who slowly began to stir, dragging himself upright. Hux cursed quietly as he saw the deep gash up Kylo's back.

  
"Let me guess," Hux sneered, "no medbay?"  
  


"No medbay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> graphic violence (kylo vs droids), blood


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hux dishes out some tough love, Kylo is so painfully "Han" I'm not even sorry, and this whole thing is tropey as heck but I'm enjoying writing it so... there we go. Extra long update this time around. Thankyou for coming along on this ride with me, your comments and kudos warm my heart. <3  
A few content warnings at the end but nothing too serious.

They returned, slowly, to Kylo's quarters, movement impeded somewhat by Kylo's injuries. Kylo had highlighted that Hux's chambers were larger and therefore probably better suited to accommodate the required droids to patch him up. Hux had adamantly refused. 

  
Kylo tried not to dwell again upon his previous interactions with medical droids at the hands of his master. He managed to do this rather well on the long walk back to his room, berated by Hux almost the entire way for the trail of blood he was leaving. His resolution wavered when he was finally sitting on the edge of his bed, twisted at an angle to avoid pulling the wound on his back more than necessary.

  
His hands were starting to shake, a tremor that he could feel beginning to take hold of his entire body, although that could be attributed to shock, blood loss, adrenaline drop or a combination of the three. Hux remained in the room, a fact which Kylo found himself drawing strength from. Hux had patched him up before, and it hadn't been so bad.

  
"Lie down, Kylo," Hux said. His tone was calm, but very firm. He was clearly still angry at him. Kylo was too outside of himself to do anything but comply. "On your front, please," Hux added. Kylo rolled over with a grunt, trying not to focus on the little white medical droid which had rolled up beside the bed. More specifically, he tried to ignore the various grim looking attachments on the ends of its manipulators. He flinched as something jabbed him in the thigh again.

  
"Drugs?" Kylo turned his head toward Hux, vision starting to fade at the edges. Hux gave him a small nod in response. 

  
"Good," said Kylo.

  
Then he passed out.

  
\--------------

  
When Kylo came to, an unknown period of time later, the first thing he noticed was that Hux had gone.

  
Initial distress at waking up alone was brief, however the lingering disappointment lasted a lot longer. He wasn't sure what he'd expected, Hux was exceptionally busy and couldn't sit by anyone's bedside, let alone that of an idiot who couldn't handle a training simulation where he'd clearly bitten off more than he could chew. It was embarrassing really.

  
Hauling himself upright, he was pleased to note that there was very little discomfort from his recent injuries and that he was sporting a new set of faintly green bacta bandages. He noticed that his bed sheets had been changed as he'd successfully managed to get blood and various combat droid secretions all over the previous set. He also appeared to be wearing a pair of regulation-issue pyjama pants. Looking around, he had no idea where his usual clothes had gone. A tray of food had been set over on the side table beside the door, along with several sets of replacement bandages, neatly packaged.

  
Sliding out of bed, with surprisingly little effort and pain, Kylo went over to the tray and poked through its contents with his good arm. Several ration bars, pre-packaged foods and cartons of liquid. Nothing extravagant, regulation stuff clearly designed to last if Kylo didn't feel up to eating or drinking anything immediately. However the level of forethought was touching.

  
Kylo picked up one of the ration bars and a carton of what he presumed was enriched water, the First Order didn't often go in for anything more exciting, before heading back to bed. His datapad screen was doing a low-light pulse, indicating that there were messages waiting, so he picked that up on the way. 

  
Getting back into bed was more tricky than getting out, as he found it difficult to twist and move his upper body without the wound on his back complaining. Once he'd gotten settled, he unlocked the datapad expecting to scroll through the usual backlog of uninteresting reports from First Order staff. Instead, he was met with one very short yet insistent message.

  
\--------------

  
_ **[1] New Message.** _   
_ **From: Gen. A Hux.** _

  
We need to talk.

  
Be at my chambers by the time I finish my shift.

  
\--------------

  
Kylo blinked at the screen. His usual poor emotional impulse control wasn't entirely sure how to handle the message and sparked in several directions at once. 

  
He felt the familiar sparks of anger ignite briefly in his chest at first. _Who does he think he is, talking to me like this? He presumes to make demands of **me**?_

  
After anger, his go-to reaction in most scenarios, came confusion. _Why? Talk about what?_

  
Then of course, the slow, crawling onset of impending doom. _Nothing good ever begins with "we need to talk"._

  
Followed swiftly by it's good friend, anguish. _Oh gods I've ruined **everything**._

  
The hours that had followed had been difficult. It wasn't that Kylo was particularly afraid of Hux or what he might do, he just knew he'd messed up, big time, and the threat of consequence for perceived failure had never been easy for Kylo to bear.

  
As soon as he'd closed the message down, Kylo had checked Hux's timetable to find out exactly what time he was expected, groaning when he saw how far away the end of Hux's shift was. _Why did that man have to work so damn hard all the time?_ He wondered whether he'd stuck around for very long after the droids had put him out the night before, whether he'd felt any desire to oversee their work in putting him back together. _Whether he cared enough to do so._ Kylo shook his head at the ridiculous notion, as if trying to banish it from his mind. Foolish.

  
With little else to do, Kylo shifted down onto the bed until he lay reasonably flat, curled into as comfortable a position as he could manage, and tried to get some sleep. Despite whatever rest he'd managed to get following the shot from the droid, he still felt exhausted to his core. He didn't have to wait very long before he fell asleep again, despite whatever traitorous thoughts kept fleeting through his mind. Blessedly, his sleep was deep and unplagued by dreams.

  
A droid came by some time later with what appeared to be Kylo's clothes. Cleaned and freshly pressed. They felt different. _No, they just feel **clean**_. Kylo scoffed to himself, imagining Hux taking advantage of him being unconscious to send all of his things off to be washed. Kylo wasn't sure whether or not he was able to take a shower with the bacta bandages on, however he figured since he wasn't covered in blood, somewhere along the line something had cleaned him so he was probably good. 

  
It took far longer than he'd have liked to get his boots on, bending over sent bolts of pain across the gash in his back and working with an injured arm proved cumbersome. It was very likely that he'd been administered another painkiller which had subsequently worn off, and he had no idea how best to go about resolving this in the time that he had available.

  
He didn't bother with his usual tunic and undershirt with its heavy sleeves, pulling another training vest on instead as it was far easier to wriggle into. Kylo dawdled in his room for as long as he could, after having plotted the most convenient route to Hux's chambers on his datapad, bypassing the more populated areas. As he got up to leave, he glanced at the sidetable by the door and the lightsaber hilt which rested upon it. He considered it for a moment, before leaving it behind.

\--------------

  
Kylo arrived at Hux's chamber door after a brisk walk wherein he'd tried his utmost not to dwell too much on exactly what Hux wanted to talk about. It was probably just to scold him about the training session, that's all. He could see Hux in his minds' eye, expression twisted into its usual sneer, berating him about wrecking so many droids during training, bleeding all through the corridors requiring they be fully sterilised, or something equally fastidious. 

  
As he stalked through the corridors of the Supremacy as best he could, injuries slowing his usual pace, Kylo hoped that Hux didn't spend too long finishing up additional tasks after his shift ended again. The prospect of standing and waiting for him outside of his chambers was not one he wished to entertain.

  
Upon reaching Hux's door, he jabbed the entry request button on the off chance Hux had somehow managed to get there before him. No response. Kylo groaned in frustration, a small, tight knot of panic forming in his chest. What if a member of crew walked past and saw him? It was unquestionable that he was stood there waiting for Hux. There was no other possible explanation.

  
Looking at the door controls again, Kylo remembered the training room the night before. He'd overridden the facility protocols to gain entry, and again to allow him to train with that many heavily armed droids. He was Supreme Leader after all, even his datapad allowed him access to whatever information he wanted. Unfortunately, he'd left that datapad behind. Cursing under his breath, Kylo scanned the corridor for a nearby wall console, something, _anything_ that he could access to try and gain override keys for Hux's door. There was also the option of simply breaking in using force, brute or otherwise, but he didn't envision that going down very well with the General.

  
It took backtracking a short way back down the corridor, hoping fervently that he didn't bump into anyone, but eventually Kylo found one of the small terminals set into the walls at semi-regular intervals. They were only really supposed to be used for maintenance and communication, however after Kylo entered his credentials it opened up the same level of possibilities as his datapad. After a few moments of frantic searching, Kylo found what he needed, hastily logged off and practically ran back to Hux's doorway. He plugged the code he'd been given into the controls, praying that they worked. For a split second absolutely nothing happened at all. When the door finally accepted the code, chirped an acceptance tone and slid open, Kylo exhaled the breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding.

  
Stepping inside, Kylo found the room beyond had been left at the same low light as before, when he'd turned up unannounced in the middle of the night. He grimaced at the memory, it had been nothing short of shameful, utterly embarrassing. Hux had asked him repeatedly, _what is going on?_ Truth be told, Kylo still wasn't sure.

  
The rooms beyond Hux's doorway were just as sparse as he remembered. Not unwelcoming, though. They were pleasantly warm, compared to the ambient chill throughout the rest of the ship, and most First Order buildings and ships for that matter. Kylo knew he shouldn't poke around the General's living space, especially as he was likely due to arrive at any moment, but he couldn't help walking through to the bedchamber that opened out off of the main living space. Officers' quarters came with much more in the way of additional rooms and larger spaces. It seemed that Hux hadn't particularly filled out his chambers or decorated them with regards to making them his own. Most of the furnishings were standard issue for all higher ranking members of the Order, yet the place was undeniably _Hux_. For starters, the bedchamber smelt faintly of whatever aftershave Hux wore, along with the clean scent of recent laundry.

  
The walls were unadorned, save for the various not-so-hidden seam lines which denoted the access points to various cabinets and closets. All you had to do was touch them and they'd open up. Kylo didn't dare risk going through Hux's belongings, he'd already likely crossed a line by stepping into his sleeping area, but he did wonder what the General kept inside of them. Probably rows of identical, pristine uniforms. Spare boots, perfectly polished. Holovids and datapads full of stuffy literature, military history, engineering or other equally heavy subjects. Back when Kylo had similar quarters, his closets had remained mostly empty. Snoke didn't allow very much regarding personal belongings and Kylo had spent so long with nothing that he had grown used to it. If he needed clothes, he was issued them by Snoke. When he needed food - and was deemed worthy of receiving it - it was provided by Snoke. A place to sleep? Provided by Snoke. Anything else was unnecessary luxury.

  
Hux's bed was, unsurprisingly, immaculately made. Crisp, neatly folded corners and sheets so tight you could probably bounce a credit off of them. Kylo couldn't remember the last time he'd made a bed. Either a droid did it for him, or he fell back into a mess of sheets when he was ready to sleep and didn't pay it much thought.

  
Stepping out of the bedchamber, Kylo decided to wait for the General on one of the couches in the living area. Apparently he'd left the bedroom at the perfect time, shortly after he'd gotten comfortable the door slid open and Hux briskly stepped inside before being visibly startled by Kylo's presence.

  
"You know this isn't what I meant, Kylo," Hux hissed through his teeth after he'd composed himself, glaring at the errant man on his couch. Kylo could tell he was trying to give the outward appearance of his usual poise and professionalism, as if he was taking this intrusion in his stride, but his eyes were darting around. Probably checking to see if Kylo had rifled through anything.

  
"Calm down, I only just got here. Would you rather I stood outside where anyone passing could see?"  
  
  
The look Hux responded with told him exactly what he'd rather Kylo had done, before he sighed deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose.

  
"It doesn't fill me with confidence that your solution was to break into my rooms. But, you're here now. I can worry about that later."

  
Kylo relaxed into the couch, spreading his arms out and resting them across the back of the cushions, trying to ignore the complaints of his back injuries. Hux slipped out of his coat and hung it back by the door, ready for his next shift.

  
"So what did you want to talk about?" Kylo asked, trying to sound nonchalant as Hux was straightening the cuffs of his tunic. It was very possible that the General preferred to change out of his uniform promptly after he clocked off, he looked uncomfortable and tired. Part of Kylo felt guilty, the rest was very aware of the unpleasant hours he'd had to sit and wait in his chambers for the General's shift to finish and therefore felt justified in making him suffer a little.

  
"You really have to ask?" Hux turned slightly to face the couch looking incredulous, folding his arms across his narrow chest. Kylo scowled, squirming slightly in his seat. It was reminiscent of how his parents used to look at him when he was younger.  
"I guess it's got something to do with last night," Kylo said. A statement rather than a question. This felt awfully like when his mother used to lecture him.

  
"You guess correctly," Hux glared at him a little while longer, before sighing again, unfolding his arms. His posture relaxing in resignation. That felt a lot like when his father tried to lecture him, unsuccessfully. He walked across the room, touching a panel on the wall which swung down to reveal a small cupboard. Lit from within, it contained several bottles and a small stack of glasses. Now it was a lot like when his father used to try to lecture him. Hux pulled the stopper from a squat bottle of blue liquid, poured himself a measure, drank it immediately, poured himself another, and then moved to sit in an armchair facing Kylo.

  
"Let me just see if I've got all my facts right, and do correct me if I'm wrong at any point," Hux said, wearily, sipping his drink before continuing. "You manage to; dethrone Snoke, take his place, lead a rather disastrous excursion against the Resistance, and upon returning to the Supremacy become more and more reclusive to the point where I have to track your location around the ship via the security and maintenance systems in order to deliver reports directly to you, as per your orders and my role within this operation."

  
Kylo scowled, lurching forward to defend himself.

  
"I-.."

  
Hux's ice-cold stare froze him in place, one finger raised to show he wasn't finished. Kylo sat back with a huff. Hux sipped his drink again.

  
"After months of this behaviour and the repeated wanton destruction of facilities around the ship, I find you in your quarters, dishevelled and moderately injured. For various reasons, wishing to avoid medbay and rumours among the staff, I treat your injuries personally and in doing so, discover how poorly you've been looking after yourself. I check the training room records, find that you've been spending longer and longer in sessions which gradually get more and more dangerous. To the point where you disable the safety restraints, meaning that it was _literally_ kill or be killed. Am I accurate so far?"

  
Kylo nodded, sullenly.

  
"_After_ patching you up and moving you to yet _another_ suite," Hux continued after taking another mouthful of blue liquor, "you turn up at my door at an ungodly hour, raving about an altogether staggering number of concerning subjects, including but not limited to; loneliness, self doubt, abuse trauma and sexual frustration," Hux listed them off on his fingers as he spoke.

  
Kylo drew his arms back to his chest, folding them around himself. The events of that night all came back to him in great detail. He wanted to sink into the couch in embarrassment, or tear it into pieces along with everything else in the room. It had been a particularly low moment and Hux's blunt checklist, while completely accurate, stung.

  
"Some time passes," Hux, still not finished and apparently finding his flow, leaned back in his armchair, crossing one leg over the other. He rested his elbows casually on the arms of the chair, one hand slowly swirling the remaining blue liquor around his glass. Clearly whatever was inside that glass was serving to loosen the General up quite successfully. "Your injury heals well, which I'm able to take note of by again attending to it personally. Through no small amount of _concern_ for the ongoing well-being of our Supreme Leader, I make private arrangements for the system to notify me of your movements throughout the ship. You made more public appearances on the bridge, in the mess halls, various hangars etcetera in those few days, than you had in several months prior. Things were going well, I had thought. The statistics were encouraging, morale reports were elevated. And then I'm woken in the night by an alert, notifying me that you had accessed the training rooms out of hours again. If I'd gotten there any later, well..." Hux paused, swilling his drink around the glass once more before emptying it in one last mouthful. "I'm not sure you'd even be sitting here right now. Even so, had the injury to your back been an inch or so deeper or closer to your spine, you could have been paralysed, or worse."

  
He leaned forward again, elbows on his knees, toying with the now empty glass in his hands. Fixing Kylo with a stare full of all the anger that his body was too exhausted to express.

  
"I've asked you for an explanation several times. You've failed to give me a reasonable answer yet. So I'll ask you one last time. _What_ is going on?"

  
Kylo looked up to meet Hux's eyes from where his had fallen to the floor, struggling to find the words to respond. He wasn't entirely sure what the problem was himself, or rather there were so many of them stacking up atop each other that he didn't know where to begin. After a few moments of silence, the intensity of Hux's stare relaxed into something resembling weary disappointment. He stood up, fetching himself another drink. Kylo had returned to looking at his knees, but could hear the sounds of clinking glass. When he heard the General walk back over, a second glass of the same blue liquor was placed down onto the low table in front of him with a thunk. The sound brought Kylo back to his senses.

  
"I'm not asking you as an employee, Ren," Hux said, wasting no time in starting on his third drink. Kylo huffed a short laugh, unable to help himself.

  
"What, you're asking as a _friend_?" His tone was more sarcastic than he'd intended as he reached to grab the glass from the tabletop, taking a long swig and trying not to grimace. This was the first time he'd drunk anything alcoholic since he'd been a kid and Han had sometimes let him try a sip or two of whatever he'd been drinking when Leia wasn't looking.

  
"Am I not allowed to be concerned?" said Hux, frowning.

  
"Concerned?" Kylo almost laughed again. "Why would you be concerned about what happens to me? I've done nothing but make your life miserable since I got here." He could feel the liquor burning its way down his throat, warming his chest. "Why do you care?"

  
Hux sniffed, his frown relaxing into something more resembling his usual haughty indifference.

  
"Because you are my responsibility."

  
Kylo squinted at such a cold, mediocre response. He took another drink.

  
"Well how about I have a turn at story time, ginger," Kylo made a point of leaning forward intently as Hux raised an eyebrow at him. "I've done some shit in the past, you and I both know it. I've killed people, I've tortured people, I've destroyed stuff, I've injured and threatened people, including _our_ people. _Including_ you. Several times." Kylo paused as his resolve wavered in the face of rising guilt. Hux didn't move a muscle, he just continued to listen. Kylo took another drink for courage and continued on.

  
"I knew what I was doing, I'd been chosen by Snoke, I'd been..." he stammered briefly as he groped to find the right word. _Groomed_. No, too close to the bone. "...Trained, for years, and brought aboard specifically to do it. I was good at it. Despite all of that though, despite hating me and wanting the throne for yourself- _**don't** try to deny it_," Kylo snapped as Hux opened his mouth to respond. "Powers, remember?" he tapped the side of his head, continuing after Hux had swallowed his words, muscles in his jaw tightly clenched. "Despite everything I've done, including everything I've done to _you_, you help me? You're _still_ helping me? Why?"

  
"You can't answer my question with another question," said Hux, smoothly.

  
"Well I outrank you," Kylo responded, draining his glass and returning it to the table with a much louder thud than when Hux had given it to him. Hux wrinkled his nose at Kylo's treatment of his belongings, which made Kylo snort. The drink was doing wonderfully at alleviating his anxiety. He made a big show of leaning back into the couch, spreading his arms wide again. He barely felt his back injuries anymore. 

  
"I see a problem, I resolve a problem," Hux replied curtly after considering his words for a moment.

  
"And I'm a problem?"

"Your words from before, if I recall."

  
"You like fixing problems?"

  
"You're good at what you do, I'm good at what I do. And I enjoy my work, yes."

  
"You've _enjoyed_ fixing me?" Kylo needled the General. Air quotes around "fixing" were very heavily implied. Hux narrowed his eyes.

  
"Listen," the General hissed, leaning forward sharply, "You're the one who appears to be enjoying all this." The words were like a bucket of iced water on the warmth that had been buoying Kylo along. _He knows? He's known all along?_

  
"_Me?_ You're saying I hurt myself on _purpose?_ For _you?_" Kylo laughed, trying not to sound as nervous as he suddenly realised he felt.

  
"Not the first time, no. But I'd have to have been blind not to notice how you were responding to basic first aid application. It doesn't take a genius to join the dots regarding your little visit afterwards, either" Hux's tone had gone beyond accusatory and was approaching mockery. "Tell me Ren, was the thought of me not getting my hands on you anymore so bad that you resorted to death by droid? I'm flattered."

  
Kylo wasn't going to sit and be ridiculed, especially when there was an element of truth to Hux's words. He lurched to his feet, launching himself at Hux who barely had time to scramble upright before Kylo had grabbed him by the collar of his tunic. He hauled him from his chair and pinned him against the wall beside the drinks cabinet, collar tightly gripped in both hands. The glass in the cabinet jarred noisily at the impact.

  
"You think too highly of yourself, General," Kylo spat, wounded by his words.

  
"Tell me I'm wrong," croaked Hux. All the colour had drained from his face, both hands scrabbling at Kylo's iron grip yet he glared defiantly back.

  
Kylo couldn't bring himself to reply. His vision was getting a little fuzzy at the edges. He realised that his chest ached, that same sort of empty longing feeling he'd been getting recently. He couldn't hold Hux's gaze any longer. Looking down and away, he released his grip on the General's uniform, his hands resting between them as he remained up in Hux's space.

  
"Why do you have to be such a dick about it, if you enjoy it too," Kylo muttered from beneath the curtain of hair that had fallen to cover his face. If Hux had been any further away, he wouldn't have heard him.

  
"I beg your pardon?"

  
Kylo looked up, taking in Hux's apprehensive expression. 

  
"You heard me," he stared deeply into the General's eyes, desperately ignoring the temptation to go fishing for the answers himself, locked away inside the man's head. He knew how well that would go down. Instead, he pressed on, extending a finger to poke Hux in the chest as he did so.

  
"Tell me _I'm_ wrong."

  
Hux said nothing, and continued to say nothing as Kylo took a step back, watching him expectantly. The silence grew longer and longer, it was unbearable. The General looked away, jaw set, adjusting his collar and clearing his throat.

  
Kylo couldn't stand the silence any longer. "Fine, look... you were right, okay?" He was already at rock bottom anyway. What good would it do to not address what had been going on, now Hux had brought it up. It might just give him some clarity on the subject, help him move on from it. In hindsight it was possibly the closest thing to personal growth he'd achieved in years. The alcohol in his system was at least making it slightly easier to talk about. Hux's eyes flicked back across to watch him as he spoke, still cautious, but at least hearing him out. He had lifted a hand defensively to his throat, its thumb brushing idly along one of the pointed tips of his collar.

  
"I'm not... good, at talking about things. Or dealing with problems. I've been the _solution_ to a problem plenty of times in the past. Sent to "resolve" things in ways I'm good at. But right now I just seem to be causing more and more of them - problems, I mean - through not knowing what to do. I'm...." the words were difficult to find, harder to say. Snoke had never tolerated weakness, doubt, or failure. And he despised excuses. The only thing Snoke ever allowed his apprentice to dwell on had been his motivation for his training, or the lessons learned from a recent failure. The deep-rooted fear of punishment at even _thinking_ about what had been going on with him recently, let alone admitting it out loud to someone else, was difficult to get past. Kylo hated himself for allowing Snoke to remain so deeply buried in his mind, to have this level of control over him, even in death. Kylo swallowed, hard, before managing to continue in a low voice. If anything, he continued in order to spite his twisted, dead master. "I'm... struggling. It's probably obvious, to someone like you, but I was never trained for this-"

  
"Yes, you said that already" said Hux, cutting Kylo off again. "What I don't understand is what any of this has to do with me, or anyone else for that matter, being physical with you and why that seems to be so important."

  
Kylo glared at the General, for cutting him off and reminding him once again of the embarrassing confrontation not so long ago. More importantly, for continuing to successfully press him on an extremely personal subject that he didn't really have a solid answer for. He reached out, causing Hux to flinch reflexively, however Kylo wasn't aiming for him this time. He grabbed the neck of the bottle from the cabinet and stalked back over to the couch once more, slumping down and taking a large mouthful of what remained of the blue liquor. He felt he was going to need it.

  
"You really wanna know?" Kylo asked, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and leaning back into the couch. Hux remained standing, cautious of whatever Kylo might do next, wary of his unpredictable behaviour. One arm was folded across his chest, the other raised a gloved hand to his mouth, the tip of his thumb pressed lightly to his bottom lip. Eventually, Hux nodded. Kylo sighed.

"Most of what I remember about my childhood, I was training at a Jedi temple," Kylo began, his tone weary already. " You know what the Jedi teachings say about intimacy and physical contact and all that shit?"

  
"I can imagine very little" said Hux.

  
"Exactly. And you could forget about "carnal thoughts" or... acting on them" Kylo grumbled. "You weren't punished, it was just... shameful. Another one of the things they trained out of you, as something you didn't need, as it would lead to the dark side."  
Hux snorted. "Some good that did you." Kylo glared at him, which shut him up again.

  
"All I'm saying is, it was a difficult time. It was... lonely. My-" Kylo winced at the word "parents... never came to visit me. Figured I was safe at the temple, learning how to be a good little Jedi and use my abilities for more than just pranks and trashing stuff when I got mad." Kylo levelled another glare at Hux, before he could say something smart again. "And then..." he supressed a shiver, recalling the memory of the first time he realised he'd never truly been alone. "Then there was Snoke."

"Things didn't end so well at the temple." Understatement of the century, Kylo thought to himself before he continued. "Afterwards, continuing my training with Snoke, it was intense. I mean, you served under him too, you knew what he was like. Not to mention I was entirely on my own at that point. He engineered everything so that I was entirely dependant on him..." Kylo paused, his words trailing off slightly as he realised that was the first time he'd ever admitted that out loud. He figured, why not keep the honesty going. Clearing his throat, he continued. "Among other things, Snoke's views on intimacy, with others or alone, ran along the same lines as the Jedi. Only with Snoke, there was punishment."  
Kylo shivered then, memories of Snoke's reprimands searing through his mind. He'd always been so careful not to hurt Kylo to the point he was useless. Never enough to completely break him. Just enough to make the lesson stick, with brief but blessedly infrequent refresher courses whenever Snoke figured he needed a reminder.

  
"With force lightning, it's possible to leave your target with no visible lasting damage if you're a skilled enough user" Kylo said, offhandedly, as if he'd remarked upon how pleasant the weather had been that day. _Victim_, he thought. _Not target, victim._

  
Hux had been watching Kylo as he spoke, resting his chin on one hand. When he'd finished, he moved back to the chair opposite the couch and sat down, absorbing what Kylo had said.

  
"So you would be... reprimanded" said Hux finally, choosing his words carefully, "for, among other things, thinking impure thoughts?"

  
"Thinking about it, doing anything about it, feeling guilty for _wanting_ to do anything about it... Snoke was very thorough."

  
"I see."

  
"_Do_ you?" Kylo scoffed, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees as he held Hux's gaze, eyes narrowed. "He knew what I was thinking before I even knew myself, sometimes. Would let things play out, as if he was testing me. Constantly. I tried to learn how to control my dreams, turns out I was particularly vulnerable there. Lead to a lot of... reprimands." Kylo laced his fingers together, squeezing tight as his expression soured even further to a disgusted sneer. 

  
"Beyond a certain point, Snoke didn't have to do or say anything. I'd keep myself in check, and I'd managed like that for years, dealing with myself whenever I thought I was growing weak." 

  
Kylo thought about the things he'd done to retain and enhance his focus; standing beneath ice cold waterfalls and letting the powerful cascade of water pummel his body. Long bouts of fasting and enforced solitude. Vigorous and gruelling training sessions. He found ways to redirect frustration into something else. Into energy to burn through during training, to help him sleep so deeply that he stood no chance of dreaming. He ensured that he was so exhausted, battered, bruised and injured that physical pleasure was the furthest thing from his mind. Until eventually he'd trained all urges out of his system. Hardened himself to it, so to speak. His falling apart in the recent months had been a natural progression of that.  
"And then I killed him" Kylo said, abruptly. "And everything was fine for a while..."

  
"But the threat hanging over your head, as it were, had gone. Temptation set back in," Hux finished for him. Kylo looked up, caught his eye, and nodded. 

  
"It's not-" Kylo started to speak again, before lowering his head, unable to hold the General's gaze as he continued. "It's not as easy as that. There's years of built up... _conditioning_ to deal with-"

  
"So deal with it," Hux cut in.

  
"Did you listen to a word I just said?" Kylo snarled, hands balling into fists. "I'm talking about _personal_ stuff here."

  
"I'm sorry, did you think you were the only individual in the galaxy who's had to adjust their personal behaviour, thought patterns, needs and private habits as part of a strict regime?" Hux's tone was calm, yet cold and barbed. "Did you think you were the only one with _issues_ like those? The only one ever to suffer under someone who thought they knew best for you, treating you as a resource rather than a person? If it matters, you'll figure it out. Or you won't, and you'll learn to live with it. You'll adapt, and persevere, if you're strong enough."

Kylo was stunned at Hux's callous disregard for the deeply personal problem he'd just laid bare to the man. His initial instinct was to throw the now mostly empty bottle at his head, but he resisted.

  
"I don't-.." Kylo snapped, instantly aware of his tone and holding his tongue. He closed his eyes and took a breath to try and compose himself. He'd come this far, and Hux was at least hearing him out. _Don't burn the bridge you seem to have tentatively rebuilt here._ "I don't _want_ to learn to _live_ _with_ this."

  
Hux regarded him for a moment, looking thoughtful. Kylo was just beginning to feel uncomfortable under such scrutiny when Hux finally spoke again.

  
"That's not what I said. I said that you could figure it out and adapt. It seems to me that you simply need re-programming." 

  
Kylo had been taking another swig of the blue liquor and nearly choked on it. Hux turned his nose up as Kylo coughed and spluttered.

  
"What? _Simply?!_"

  
"Yes," Hux replied sharply, cool as ever. "I can't imagine it will be an overnight resolution, but what has been done, can be undone."

  
"Don't get me wrong," Kylo scoffed, "I admire your confidence Hux, but I don't think you understand-"

  
Hux's expression became immediately serious. Stony-faced, he interrupted Kylo once again, "I understand more than you know, Ren." He glared at Kylo for a moment or two, before looking away with a small sigh. After a few moments, he stood up and walked over to the drinks cabinet, slipping the smooth black panel back out from wherever it had slid when he opened it, and closing it over the glassware and bottles within. Further elaboration from the man was apparently not forthcoming however, as Hux changed the subject with a distinct finality.

  
"I appreciate you telling me all of this, Kylo" said Hux, still facing the wall. "Now that I'm aware of the problems, I can start to fix them."

  
Kylo drained the last of the bottle, holding the last of the blue liquid in his mouth for a second as Hux's words landed and he peered at the General's back, confused, before swallowing.

  
"_You_ can start to fix them?"

  
"Yes," said Hux. As simple as that.

  
".... Huh"

  
A silence hung between both men for just long enough to get slightly awkward, before Hux turned rather more sharply than was necessary and paced back over to where Kylo sat on the couch. He held out a hand towards the empty liquor bottle and raised an eyebrow. Kylo blinked blearily at him before handing it over. As Hux moved to drop the bottle into what Kylo presumed was a garbage chute hidden behind yet another panel in the wall, he could barely make out what the General muttered to himself.

  
"I've got a bad feeling about this..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings for alcohol consumption and alcohol fuelled aggression. Further content warnings for discussion of historic abuse but that's something of a rolling theme for this fic.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while again, sorry. <3

Kylo woke up on the floor of Hux's living quarters, presumably after having slid off the couch at some point as he'd slept. As consciousness hit him, unfortunately so did a level of regret from the night before in the form of a searing headache. He dragged himself upright and staggered toward the bedchamber, thumbing the door open only to find the room beyond completely empty. Cursing under his breath, Kylo made his way to the small computer panel beside the front door and pawed at it roughly until it displayed the time, eliciting another curse. Of course Hux had managed to sleep, get up, get ready and get to work without rousing him. Looking back over his shoulder toward the couch where he'd spent an uncomfortable night, he noticed that all the glassware from the table had disappeared, replaced with a single, tall glass of water. Kylo scoffed and shook his head, regretting it immediately, before leaving Hux's quarters.

  
The walk back to his own chambers was far longer than he remembered. Thankfully the Supremacy corridors were panelled and floored in very similar black gloss décor to Starkiller, and most First Order interiors for that matter. Even so, the lighting was bright enough to cause him additional discomfort. Crew members who had the misfortune of crossing his path as he stalked his way through the ship, went out of their way to avoid him, more so than usual. Kylo would have laughed if it didn't hurt so much, at the attempts of one hapless Lieutenant who practically pressed himself against the opposite corridor wall in attempts to get as far away as possible from his disgruntled, dishevelled Supreme Leader.

  
After what seemed like an eternity, Kylo finally reached his room and shuffled in as soon as the door slid open. Immediately, he called out for the room lighting to be dimmed as low as possible while still allowing him to see where he was going, before moving through to the small bathroom attached to the main combination living/sleeping area. He would have envied Hux's more expansive rooms but to be honest, Kylo was a fairly utilitarian man and he'd been growing rather fond of the small, close living space. Without possessions or decoration, large plush living quarters seemed a little... sad.

  
Kylo started up the shower and began pulling off his clothes, stumbling in the small space as he yanked off his boots, nearly falling over in the process. After shrugging his vest off, he caught sight of himself in the mirror. His torso was still dotted with bacta bandages, all of which probably needed changing. Once in the shower, the water against his head was irritating and the injuries he'd picked up in the training room began to make themselves known. He let the bandages soak up some water for a while, before gingerly removing almost all of them, hissing through his teeth as the water stung the wounds beneath. Kylo couldn't face the irritation to both his wounds and his head of having to wash his hair, or anything for that matter. He also felt that the wound to his back was both too recent and too difficult to reach to bother removing its bandage. He stood for a while, forehead pressed to the cool tiled wall of the small shower cubicle, and let the water hit the back of his neck to run down his body.

  
Eventually, he shut the shower off and wrapped a towel loosely around his middle. Glad to be out of the refresher cubicle and back into the gloom of the main living space, he set about re-bandaging his injuries as best he could considering the most recent ones were up his back and across his dominant arm. There were no painkillers available, however Kylo had grown fairly accustomed to long term, lingering pain and discomfort. Another talent he had Snoke to thank for, he thought to himself, moving to sit on the edge of his bed and wincing at the dull ache in his temples. As he shifted to curl up on the bed and feel sorry for himself, caring little about the fact that he was still very damp from the shower, a datapad chimed from the bedside table.

  
As he reached out to pick it up, he hesitated. Next to the datapad sat another tall glass of water.

  
~

  
**[2] New Messages.**

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** I'll presume you'll take some time getting your act together following your inability to adequately monitor your alcohol intake last night. That bottle had been expensive, by the way.

  
We are going to try something to begin the process of reprogramming you. I appreciate that it will be strange and uncomfortable at first but I encourage you to try and relax. It'll be easier if you don't resist.

  
Let me know when you are ready to begin.

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** Hello?

  
Kylo blinked a few times at the messages, which came with no identifiable sender ID. He then realised that the pad he was holding was considerably smaller than the model he was used to. He looked across the room to the table by the door. Food tray, bandages.... data pad. Kylo was too tired and irritable through the combination of his hangover and injuries to think about it too much as he tapped out a response.

  
**To: [REDACTED#3412]** who is this? whats going on?

  
Kylo noticed that the ID at the beginning of his sent message was also blocked. The response to his question was almost immediate.

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** Do I really have to explain? Discretion is probably wise under these circumstances. I would advise against including any indentifying information in these messages.

  
**To: [REDACTED#3412]** you really are paranoid you know that?

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** Do you want my help or not? I for one happen to care about potential career sabotage should word of this get out. Nevermind what might happen if this information falls into the hands of the Resistance.

  
Kylo considered that for a moment. It did make sense that this particular personal weakness of his, and the fact that he'd involved Hux, stay between them.

  
**To: [REDACTED#3412]** fair point

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** I've been thinking about your predicament and I have a proposal for you. You might find it difficult, but I think it might work.

  
**To: [REDACTED#3412]** oh?

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** I presume by this point you've at least showered? You're comfortable?

  
**To: [REDACTED#3412]** uh.... yes?

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** Did you change your bandages?

  
**To: [REDACTED#3412]** yeah, why

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** Just curious. It's best these things are out of the way before we begin.

  
Kylo was growing weary of all the back and forth but his curiosity was still piqued. He rolled over, trying to ignore the various aches and pains in his body, and appreciated the soft, clean bedsheets beneath him before responding.

  
**To: [REDACTED#3412]** alright alright, what now?

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** I want you to think about whatever it was that brought you to my door, however long ago it was. Whatever had you asking me how I managed to "let go", how I managed to "get off".

  
Kylo swallowed, hard, as the hazy memory of his dream that night swam back to him. He also thought about Hux, wherever he was, on duty somewhere aboard the Supremacy, sending that message. Kylo felt a familiar heat flush over his skin, begin to flow through his veins. He wasn't sure why the thought of Hux sending these messages to him, possibly even in the company of others aboard the ship, or even in the privacy of his own office, was so exciting to him. Gods, he could even be on the bridge. Kylo shivered.

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** Are you thinking about it?

  
Kylo remembered the intensely real feeling from his dream, of several pairs of hands caressing his body. His dick, already half hard against his thigh beneath the towel around his waist, twitched in response. He realised he'd been asked a question and tapped out a short response.

  
**To: [REDACTED#3412]** yes

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** Good. How do you feel?

  
Kylo swallowed again, shifting a little on the bed. His headache and the residual pain from his injuries were all but forgotten in the wake of the enticing imagery from the dream. Nevertheless, the same tight, tense feeling of shame and anxiety flared within his chest.

  
**To: [REDACTED#3412]** uncomfortable

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** I see. Physically or mentally/emotionally?

  
**To: [REDACTED#3412]** the second one. ones.

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** Ok. I want you to try and push past those. I want you to focus on one thing and one thing alone right now:

  
There are no consequences anymore. You are the Supreme Leader now, and you answer to no-one but yourself.

  
**To: [REDACTED#3412]** but i'm replying to you right now

  
Kylo couldn't resist. He smirked, imagining the pinched expression on Hux's face as his reply blipped up on the screen.

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** Don't get smart, you know what I mean.

  
Kylo watched the glow of the datapad's screen fade to black as it entered low activity mode, no further messages arriving with additional instructions. He felt as though he should admonish Hux for the tone of his last message, or for thinking himself in any sort of position to give orders to his Supreme Leader. In honesty though, he rather liked it. Moments like these, where brief gaps appeared in Hux's sleek, well-tended armour through which the person beneath could be seen. Also Kylo had spent so long being trained to take orders, to follow unquestioningly, that it was something of a relief to fall back into that behaviour again. 

  
He would never admit it, but there was something about Hux's natural capacity for authority, the firmness of his tone, the easy confidence with which he issued commands that Kylo felt at this moment inclined, compelled even, to follow. Not previously, of course. Not while Snoke was more than adequately fulfilling that particular role. Kylo had spent years hating the General, but he'd been adrift without purpose for so long that being told what to do was scratching an itch he hadn't been aware of.

  
The fire which had re-ignited in his gut, burned hot at the thought of the physical caress of another against his skin. Kylo tried not to pay any attention to the fact that in his minds eye, the hands wore tight, black, leather gloves. That they meticulously traced the ridges of his scars, old and new. His mind had been given a little slack on the usually taut leash it had been trained on, and in lieu of any other stimulus, appeared to be drawing from his most recent physical interaction with another human and running wild with it. Kylo groaned as he imagined those hands against his body once again, their movements slow and sensual rather than the cool efficiency with which Hux had examined him in the past. He closed his eyes and his imagination took him back to Hux's living quarters. He was shirtless, yet Hux remained fully dressed, a fact that Kylo couldn't help but laugh at. Even in his lust-fuelled imagination, Hux wore the same crisp regulation uniform.

  
Those hands, gloves warming through contact with Kylo's skin, practically feverish with arousal, placed both palms on his shoulders. That same black uniform pressed up against Kylo's chest as Hux leaned forward. In his mind, Hux brought his lips to Kylo's ear. If he hadn't known any better, he could have sworn he could smell the General's cologne. Kylo could feel himself shivering where he lay on the bed, hands twitching by his sides, still unsure of what to do with himself. Still afraid of the consequences, afraid to let go. He thought back to Hux's messages, hearing them whispered into his ear as the words came back to him.

  
_You are the Supreme Leader now, and you answer to no-one but yourself._

  
Kylo swallowed, hard, as he brought one trembling hand up to his stomach. His palm was clammy as he flexed his fingers experimentally. Hux's imagined voice whispered into the back of his mind once again. It's usual clipped tone gone, replaced with something darker. Something that spoke to the primal, carnal part of his brain and promised it the release it so desperately craved.

  
_There are no consequences anymore._

  
Clumsily, Kylo shifted his hand down across the flat plane of his stomach. Across the towel still wrapped about his hips. He shuddered, gasping as his fingertips brushed the fabric pulling taut over his now painfully hard cock. A feeling he'd unfortunately grown used to. He could feel the rising panic in his chest, the lurch in his stomach. He had so rarely gone any further than this, especially not since his early years as Snoke's apprentice. Desire was locked in heady battle with fear and it was making him nauseous.

  
The quiet bleep of the datapad, forgotten at his side, made Kylo jump. Wrenching his hands away from himself, he fumbled with the pad, thumbing it unlocked.

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** How's it going?

  
Kylo stared at the message incredulously. He flexed his fingers, pulling them into tight fists several times with a small chorus of knuckle cracks, before tapping out his response.

  
**To: [REDACTED#3412]** not well

  
The response was immediate.

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** Unfortunate. What is the issue, exactly?

  
Kylo glared at the message. Unfortunate? Seriously? He set his jaw, teeth clenched as he bit back any sarcastic or aggressive replies. Several messages were typed out in full before being immediately deleted as he adjusted his choice of words. He tried to remember that Hux was trying to help him, as strange as that was considering his uniquely unusual problem. He hated that he'd been reduced to discussing this with anyone, especially Hux, but here they both were. And what other options did he have?

After trying and failing to adequately phrase the problem, angrily deleting paragraphs of poorly written text, he paused and sighed deeply before giving up and rattling off several short messages in quick succession.

  
**To: [REDACTED#3412]** i cant do it. my hands are shaking

  
**To: [REDACTED#3412]** i'm just

  
**To: [REDACTED#3412]** i'm terrified. i dont know why. it's ridiculous

  
The seconds drew out agonisingly slowly with no reply. Kylo imagined Hux reading his messages, laughing. _How pathetic, how hilarious!_ He felt his grip on the datapad tighten as his temper flared. A million ways in which he wanted to make Hux pay for humiliating him, flew through his mind. For making him talk about such a deeply sensitive matter. Just as he considered destroying the datapad, hurling it across the room and never thinking or speaking of this again, it chimed in his raised fist.

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** I can see that this is going to be a little more complicated than I had anticipated. Meet me at the attached location. I will be along as promptly as I am able.

  
A little icon next to the message indicated that there was an attachment. Upon opening, it revealed co-ordinates for a location aboard the Supremacy, away from both Kylo's current location and - if his memory was correct - Hux's chambers. It was a fair distance from any of the areas designated as crew quarters, as far as he could tell. There was no time given, however Hux's words indicated that Kylo should probably make his way there as soon as he could, and that Hux would meet him as promptly as he was able. Kylo huffed a scathing laugh to himself as he awkwardly rolled upright on the bed. 

  
"Who even talks like that?"

  
He was still ridiculing Hux under his breath as he pulled on his pants, a shirt and belt, clipped his saber to his hip, and headed out. After a few seconds, the door slid open again as Kylo slid back into the room, grabbing the secure datapad off the bed before leaving again.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long, again. I'm bad at this. I've been pencilling out how exactly I'm going to turn this thing into an eventual TROS "Fix-it" fic, and hoo-boy...   
I have a lot of Plans, so if you're enjoying this, thankyou so much for your support thus far! Shares have been much appreciated, and your comments give me life. I hope that you guys stick with me as I figure out where I'm going with this next. :)

Kylo hadn't needed a reason to use datapad navigation and mapping software before. He hadn't previously been aware that it even existed, yet was now extremely thankful that it did. The location sent by Hux turned out to be a set of rooms in a currently disused administration sector. The attachment Hux had provided gave a specific door number and keycode, which Kylo (and his datapad) eventually picked out along the row of identical doorways on that corridor. 

  
The room beyond, once the keycode had been entered and accepted by the security system, was about as utilitarian as could be expected. An long, narrow office of some description, furnished with two black armchairs which in turn faced a sleek desk along the back wall, a single chair behind it. This was probably some kind of meeting room, Kylo supposed. He imagined black uniformed personnel going about their tasks on this deck, reporting in when necessary to debrief their superiors. Or higher ranking officers gathering to do... whatever it was officers did. Kylo wasn't sure, and he didn't much care.

  
He hadn't passed a single crewmember on this deck while making his way to the room, once he'd left the main thoroughfares of the Supremacy and started working his way towards this particular sector. Aside from the low rumble of the ships engine, audible pretty much wherever you were on board, it was silent. Initially Kylo decided to sit in one of the armchairs, before reconsidering as this meant he had his back to the door. He decided instead to sit on the desk, facing the door itself.

  
It might have been the fact that there wasn't another soul nearby within a fairly large radius, or the fact that Kylo had been waiting long enough to start feeling anxious and tense, but he began to sense someone approaching several minutes before they arrived. Kylo stopped kicking at the base of one of the armchairs and tried to look composed and nonchalant. Like he got invited to a secret hidden rendezvous by long-term workplace rivals to "deal with" his sexual problems every day of the week like it was no issue at all. When the door finally slid open and Hux stepped into the room, Kylo felt something tighten inside his chest. Now that he'd arrived, what exactly was going to happen? His imagination helpfully provided snippets of several possible suggestions, which didn't help his chest feel any less tight. Hux meanwhile, was all business as usual.

  
"Apologies for the obscure location, I see that you had no difficulty getting here at least. I felt it prudent to meet in a rather more discreet location than either of our living quarters, or the corridors between them. For a change." With this, Hux levelled Kylo with a Look, one eyebrow slightly raised. Kylo glared right back at him, a hint of amusement playing across his features.

  
"You're ridiculous when you talk sometimes, you know that?"

  
Hux pursed his lips, nostrils flaring slightly.

  
"Coming from the resident expert on ridiculous, I take your word for it."

  
Kylo laughed at that, an act which caused Hux's expression to tighten with suspicion and no small amount of confusion. Reducing Hux to engaging in snotty banter otherwise unbecoming of his status and position, likely down to the privacy and intimacy of their current location, had tickled him. There was also the fact that he increasingly enjoyed seeing the man break character, showing brief sparks of who he really was beneath his practiced and well guarded exterior. Kylo hoped to break the ice and reach the Hux inside, beneath the shell. Even if the act felt a bit like taking a pickaxe to a glacier. It might at least make this situation feel less awkward.

  
"So," Kylo said, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees where he still sat atop the desk. "What's the plan?"

  
Hux sniffed, eyes flicking to the floor as he did so, as if steeling himself for something.

  
"Cutting straight to the point I see? Very well." He adjusted his stance slightly, shifting into something akin to parade rest. "Though I'm not sure how or why, it appears that our previous Supreme Leader, in his wisdom, took it upon himself to effectively render you celibate in order to better suit his own purposes."

  
All traces of amusement were wiped from Kylo's face, replaced with anger. A much more familiar expression.

  
"_Celibate_?" Kylo spat. Hux's mention of Snoke, even in passing, made his blood run cold. The horrific ramifications of the potential truth of his words didn't help much either.

  
"I did say effectively," Hux clarified, calmly. As if that made it better. "I also said that I didn't know how, or why, but whatever happened while you were his apprentice has left you unable to shake his control over this particular aspect of your life. And since this appears to have been your "final straw" scenario, bringing you to me of all people for help, I feel it's where we should begin re-programming."

  
Kylo opened his mouth as if to say something, but had no words. Hux was right. He decided to quietly seethe instead, and wait to see what else Hux had to say. The fact that he'd gone this far already to try and help had ignited a small flame of hope within Kylo, he didn't want to spook the man or potentially lose the chance at finally breaking free of his problem. Kylo looked at the General expectantly, biting at his lower lip in a mixture of frustration and anxiety. After holding Kylo's gaze for a few moments, Hux looked away, inhaling deeply before exhaling through his nose. As he breathed out, his posture subtly changed once more, leaning ever further away from his usual poised persona and closer to a weary, casual familiarity. _The façade cracks ever further._

  
"We don't have much time," Hux said, eventually. "I can only shirk my duties for so long before someone notices." _Or things start falling apart._ The words were unspoken however Kylo could still hear them through Hux's tone and expression. The General moved to sit in one of the armchairs, steepling his fingers across his chest and appraising Kylo where he remained perched on the desk opposite. "Tell me about these thoughts of yours. Be specific."

  
Kylo felt his mouth suddenly go dry, his chest tighten. Did Hux appreciate how complicated a question that was? Especially as his "thoughts" most recently involved the General himself.

  
"They were about.. uh.." Kylo mumbled, unable to look Hux in the eye as he spoke, eyes darting around the room as he avoided the man in front of him. "T-touch," he finally managed to get out. "Hands.. people's hands.. touching me."

  
"Where?" said Hux. As calmly as if he were asking directions to the nearest mess hall.

  
"Uhm. All over, really."

  
"I see," a pause, before he added "anything else?"

  
Kylo could feel Hux's eyes on him, as if he knew he were holding back. His hands, previously fidgeting in his lap, tightened into fists. His jaw clenched as he scowled at the space on the floor between his feet.

  
"Kylo, I can't help you unless you talk to me." Hux's voice was once again calm, yet firm without being patronising. Kylo sighed.

  
"Okay, alright," Kylo spoke mostly to confirm to himself that he was in fact _actually_ going to discuss this. That he'd had sordid dreams, leading to sordid thoughts, about the very man he was talking to. 

  
"It's you, okay?" Kylo blurted, finally. "Recently... I've found myself thinking about you." He could feel his skin heating up as the dual combination of embarrassment and shame washed over him. Hux remained silent, each moment extending Kylo's suffering. Seconds feeling like tiny eternities while he squirmed on the desk.

  
"I see." The words were carefully considered, thoughtful, but held no warmth. Kylo wanted to leave. To stand up and storm out and try to pretend that this conversation had never happened. He could just continue having cold showers forever, right? He was about to get up before Hux spoke again.

  
"So what am I doing, in these thoughts of yours?"

  
He sounded honestly curious, in an academic sort of way. Kylo looked up at him then, confused and wary. Hux had knitted his fingers together, elbows propped on the arms of the chair. His hands were held in front of his face, thumb-tips against his chin. He was looking across his gloved knuckles at Kylo with an expression that matched his tone, head tilted slightly to one side. Kylo swallowed, now unable to look away.

  
"You uh.. uhm.." the words caught in Kylo's throat, adding to his embarrassment. "The t-.. touching, with uh.." He lifted his hands, gesturing vaguely as words failed him completely. Hux said nothing for a while, before humming quietly. When Kylo looked up, he was distraught to see a thin smile on Hux's lips.

  
"I see," he said again. Kylo was suddenly filled with a sense of dread, as if he'd revealed too much. He stopped shifting uncomfortably and defiantly straightened up to face the General, staring him down from the higher vantage point atop the desk.

  
"You _see_, huh?" Kylo hissed, suddenly defensive. What exactly did Hux plan to do with this information? Extortion or blackmail in exchange for Kylo's co-operation? Use it somehow to undermine him with the crew? With the entire First Order?

  
"I do. If anything this makes for a much easier solution than I'd expected."

  
"Wait, what?"

  
"How is this confusing?" Hux said with an edge of ridicule, causing Kylo to glower at him even harder. "You're thinking about _me_, therefore I'm confident I can help." The ramifications of exactly what Hux was proposing landed with an almost audible thud.

  
"What-?!" Kylo seethed, "What are you talking about?"

  
"Do I have to spell it out for you?" Hux snapped back, hands falling to the arms of the chair, brows furrowed. "I can _help_ you."

  
"_**Why?**_" Kylo yelled, composure gone. "If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting... why would you want that? After how you went off on me that first night in your chambers? What-.. I don't-.." Anger, a foggy haze, was beginning to cloud his mind. He tried to figure out what exactly this arrangement held for Hux, confusion mixed with paranoia as to why anyone would want to "help" with something like this. Especially considering their history.

  
"Look," Hux interjected sharply. "It's not what you think, believe me." Kylo stopped stammering for a moment to let the man clarify. He glared at Hux with an expression that said it wanted an explanation. _Now_.

  
"I am sworn to the First Order. I have worked tirelessly to get to where I am today, and to ensure that the First Order prevails. That it grows and succeeds."

  
Kylo continued staring at Hux as he spoke, muscles in his jaw clenching, lips pulled into a sulky pout. He gripped the edge of the desk on either side of his thighs, surprised to find that he was almost nervous as to what Hux was about to say.

  
"Now, you are the Supreme Leader of the First Order, are you not?" Hux looked at Kylo, his eyebrows raised slightly, expecting a response. Kylo nodded sullenly. "The Supreme Leader is the figurehead of the First Order. I can keep things progressing and ticking over, but as I have already explained previously, your absence has not gone unnoticed. They need you, Ren. If only to look imposing and inspiring. A figurehead. It's good for morale."

  
Kylo huffed, his mind already several steps ahead of Hux's words, putting the pieces together. His stomach sank.

  
"If you are having certain... difficulties," Hux put a certain emphasis on the word that made Kylo feel nauseous, "then if I can help, I shall. No nefarious scheme, no small print, no strings."

  
"Out of _duty_?" Kylo jeered, getting to his feet. He'd heard enough. "Wow, how _honourable_ of you. Spare me, Hux."

  
The General scrambled upright. Kylo expected him to move out of his way, angry as he obviously was, yet Hux moved to block his path.

  
"Out of duty, yes, _but-_.."

  
Hux reached out as Kylo came shoulder to shoulder with him, placing a hand on his chest. Kylo glanced at it, then across to Hux who was looking at him strangely.

  
"Maybe I want to help you. Because I can."

  
"Why?" Kylo said, still confused. A question he'd already asked Hux, some time ago. "Why are you getting involved with me like this? Why do you _want_ to? If there is a solution then why does it have to be _you_?" Wounded by the situation and Hux's administrative attitude towards it, Kylo levelled the General with a dark scowl. Emphasizing words with a mimicking tone to hammer home his point. "Is this the sort of _service_ you provide your superiors in the past? Or for those you feel _duty bound_ to please? For the betterment of the Order? _No strings_?"

  
Hux didn't say anything for a few moments, but his hand didn't move from Kylo's chest. Hux's expression showed Kylo just how hard his words had landed, and he immediately regretted speaking them. When Hux finally spoke, he looked away.

  
"I'll be honest with you, Kylo. The way you described yourself last night, having been trained to perform certain tasks? Your abilities honed and polished like someone maintaining and fine tuning a machine? Well, we're more alike than you think." His words were quiet. His fingers flexed, barely perceptible, yet Kylo - so touch starved, intensely aware of the hand against his chest - felt Hux's fingertips press a little harder. "I don't have your abilities. Nor your... " Hux paused, finding the word, muttering it with a hint of jealousy, "... strength. _My_ tutors didn't arrive into my life in the form of strangers luring me from bright possibilities I could have otherwise had. I had a very clear path in front of me. I knew where I had to go, and the things I needed to do to get there." Hux had still not managed to look back up, instead looking at the spot on Kylo's chest where his hand rested. He looked distant. Kylo felt lost. 

  
"You felt that you did what you had to do to survive? In order to succeed? Well, so did I," Hux continued. "We've all done things we're not proud of. But they were things we felt we needed to do at the time."

  
"Hux... I didn't mean-... I'm sorry," muttered Kylo. He wondered if perhaps intentionally breaking down the General's hard outer shell had been such a good idea. The man had clearly developed it for a reason. He wished that he could spend more time discussing the apparent complicated past Hux had opened up just enough to touch on. To show the vaguest hint of the outlines of his own inner demons. He felt like he owed it to him. But right now he needed to be crystal clear with the man in front of him about his intentions, with those demons in mind.

"If that's the case though," Kylo continued, "I don't know if it would sit right with me, if this isn't something you actually _want_ to do... Strings or not." Kylo still couldn't shake Hux's accusation from the night he'd stormed into his room and unloaded his drama. Especially with a little more of an idea of Hux's past. The fact that Hux, at any point let alone in that moment, believed that Kylo would be that kind of guy... It made him feel sick. Whatever he could feel going on within him was tearing him apart, and pushing him to act more and more recklessly in order to distract himself, but he knew where his absolute lines were drawn. Hux was right, the issue of sexual release _was_ his breaking point. But he'd rather continue to suffer than have anyone feel _obligated_ to help him. Or worse. He may not be a good person, but he knew that he refused to take advantage of a situation like that.

  
"I can assure you that isn't the case," Hux continued. "What you alluded to, rather _cruelly_ I might add, isn't too far from the mark. In a handful of instances." Hux looked distant, spoke quietly. "We all do what we have to do, to survive. To _succeed_." His words trailed off, before the General seemed to find himself. Looking back up at Kylo, his expression appeared to be the closest to sincere that Kylo had ever seen. "It's not always the case though. As I said, maybe right now I just _want_ to help you."

  
Kylo swallowed. 

  
"Let me help you, Kylo," Hux said.  
  


Kylo took a deep breath, and let him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while again, I am bad at this. I hope y'all enjoy this chapter. :)

They were standing so close that Hux barely had to raise his voice above a whisper, breath ghosting across Kylo's cheek as he instructed him to sit back on top of the desk. Kylo complied, immediately missing the strange closeness. Thankfully Hux wasn't too far behind, closing the distance between them once again, stopping when he reached Kylo's knees.

  
"I'm-.." Hux's voice caught slightly, trying to switch his tone back to something more formal and snagging on their previous intimacy. He'd opened up too much, and Kylo supposed he wanted a bit more of his armour back before proceeding. The General cleared his throat before trying again. "I'm not going to do anything too dramatic, don't worry." Hux paused for a moment, and then, as if having considered Kylo's concerns, said "If any any point you're unsure of my intentions or desires, you only need to ask. To be clear, my objective right now is to begin breaking down your walls enough to allow you to push through a little further on your own. Does that make sense?"

  
Kylo found himself too nervous to respond beyond giving a small nod. Nervous and a little excited.

  
"Alright. I'm going to check how your injuries have healed. Is that okay?"

  
Kylo nodded again, which Hux took as a signal to begin.

  
"Alright, if at any point you want me to stop, you let me know."

"And-.." Kylo said, voice wavering. Hux paused. "And you're _sure_ you want to do this?"

  
Hux blinked at him. Kylo could see the muscles in his jawline shift as he clenched his teeth together.

"Kylo..."

  
"_Hux_," Kylo pressed. Brows furrowing, intent on a solid confirmation. He stared at the other man insistently. Despite their proximity to one another, Kylo might have been mistaken but he could have sworn he saw the General blush slightly.  
"Yes, Kylo. I do," said Hux, quietly.

  
Kylo released the breath he'd been holding. He lowered his gaze again, a small smile tugging lightly at the corner of his mouth. Hux took a moment before continuing, raising his hands to begin.

  
Switching gears to the tone he appeared to feel more comfortable with, Hux's voice and mannerisms were very similar to the night he'd found Kylo after having carved up his own bedchambers - and shoulder - with his lightsaber. Calm and clinical, yet not cold or overtly disapproving. Hux's gloved fingers went to the collar of Kylo's shirt, hooking beneath the fabric and lightly pulling it aside. He leaned in a little closer as he inspected the injured shoulder. Hyper-aware of his surroundings, Kylo could feel Hux's breath against his skin, could smell the gaberwool of his coat and the familiar scent of aftershave from back in his quarters. Not quite so fresh and sharp now though, mellowed after having sat on Hux's skin all day. Hux traced his fingertips along the thin bandage covering the practically fully-healed wound beneath. Kylo shivered, nerves lighting up across his skin, sending pleasurable waves tingling down his spine.

  
"Very good," said Hux. It wasn't clear if he was talking to Kylo, or himself. Either way, the words stirred something within Kylo's chest.

  
"May I remove your shirt?" It took a second for Hux's question to land, Kylo had been so absorbed in the inspection of his shoulder. He swallowed lightly, nodding again. His head was starting to feel a little fuzzy as Hux's hands went to his waist, unfastened his belt, placing it to the side once removed.

  
"Arms up, please," Hux gestured, taking hold of the shirt's hem as he obliged, stripping it up and away in one smooth movement. Kylo shivered at the sudden rush of cool air across his chest and back. He wasn't given very long to focus on it though, as Hux had moved forward, nudging Kylo's knees apart so that he could stand between them and get even closer. Kylo was suddenly drawn back to himself, pulling back defensively.

  
"Hux, what are you-.."

  
"I need to get closer. Move your legs please?"

  
Kylo tried to ignore the panic building within him as he complied. He was even more unsettled by Hux's next instruction.

  
"Close your eyes."

  
"What? Why?"

  
Hux sighed. Kylo was trying to ignore the pressure of Hux's hips against his inner thighs, even through so many layers of clothing.

  
"Trust me, just close your eyes. I'm not going to do anything sinister, I promise."

  
Kylo frowned at him. Hux held his gaze firmly, yet Kylo could sense no ill intent in his expression. He still had nagging doubts about trusting the man, after all their years as rivals, yet his body was urging him to do as he was told. To find out what he had planned. After a final few moments of scowling, Kylo closed his eyes.

  
"Alright, now keep them shut please."

  
"_Why?_"

  
Another sigh. "Because prolonged eye contact is going to make this a lot weirder than it already is, and I am trying to make you comfortable. Does that answer your question?"

  
Kylo pouted, closing his eyes with a huff. "I guess, but if you try _anything_ I want you to know that it will not end well for you."

  
Hux issued a curt laugh. Kylo cursed inwardly that he'd missed seeing it. "Noted, now be quiet. I want you to concentrate on how this feels, and trust that nothing bad is going to happen."

  
Before Kylo could say anything else, he felt a gloved hand against his chest, supple leather warm against his skin. A thumb began to brush along the length of his collarbone. All of the instincts Kylo had been honing for so long were screaming at him to be more concerned about a hand so close to his throat, but they were taking a backseat as his worries and nerves seemed to melt away beneath the General's touch.

  
"Is this okay?" Hux asked, softly.

  
Kylo managed a breathy "yeah" in response, before Hux's other hand joined the first, both beginning to venture up and across his shoulders. Kylo's eyes rolled back beneath his eyelids, lips parting with a heavy sigh. _Oh..._

  
Hux began lightly kneading at the muscles between Kylo's shoulders and his neck, neatly avoiding the bandaged area, surprisingly strong and adept at targeting points of tension. There was likely a lot there to work with, Kylo had felt strung out almost to breaking point for such a long time that he was probably mostly tension by now. He allowed himself to succumb to the General's ministrations, craning his neck slightly and leaning into the massage.

  
"How does this feel, is it alright?" Hux's voice was calm and unimposing. It seemed to reach a place inside of Kylo's head, somewhere at the base of his skull, and massage there just as his hands were doing across his skin.

  
"Mm.... yeah.." Kylo managed to mumble.

  
"Good, you're doing very well."

  
For a moment Kylo was about to question how exactly he was doing well, when he wasn't _doing_ anything at all, but Hux's words were striking some chords somewhere within Kylo's subconscious. He felt warm, elated, almost a little lightheaded.

  
"Okay, I'm going to move my left hand in just a moment. Tell me if this is too much."

  
Kylo nodded in understanding, or at least he did the best he could since it felt like his brain was wrapped in a layer of something dense and fluffy. He wasn't sure what Hux had in mind, but he was fairly certain he'd let Hux do whatever he wanted to him right now. Nothing his imagination could offer from Kylo's woefully limited life experience came close to the very real feeling of Hux drawing the fingertips of his left hand up and away from Kylo's scarred and damaged shoulder. Tracing along the tracts of scarring that ran up the side of his neck, to cup the side of his head. Fingertips furrowing into the hair at Kylo's temple and beneath his ear. Thumb lightly tracing the thin line across his cheek.

  
It was everything and too much, all at once. As if Hux had channelled lightning into Kylo's soul somehow, blasting into the side of his head through one single touch. Kylo gasped, eyes squeezing tightly shut as he fought the urge to pull away, scared at the intensity of the feelings stirring within him. Unable to stop himself, his eyes flickered open. The expression Hux was wearing, the desire Kylo thought he saw for a split second in Hux's eyes, was startling. He felt Hux tense up, his hands stopped moving. Fearing that his reaction had spoilt whatever it was they were doing, Kylo groaned, wrenching his head to the side and pulling back. Hux retreated a few steps as Kylo squirmed away.

  
"Kylo?"

  
Furious with himself, Kylo barely heard Hux over the sudden longing that washed over him at the loss of the General's touch, already convinced that he'd ruined things. He always ruined things. After a few seconds of struggling to see, with a tightness in his throat he couldn't account for, Kylo realised he had tears in his eyes.

  
"Kylo speak to me, what's wrong?"

  
"Nothing," Kylo lied, shame and embarrassment pouring into the cavity it felt had opened up in his chest, just like old times. "I can't do this. I'm sorry, for wasting your time." He tried to shift off of the desk, to make for the door, but Hux stepped forward and between Kylo's legs again, effectively blocking his escape.

  
"No, _I'm_ sorry. That was clearly too much, too soon. Please don't-"

  
"_**Move!**_" Kylo barked, his voice tighter and pitchier than he would have liked.

  
"_Talk_ to me!" Hux looked nervous, likely fearing what might happen if Kylo continued to refuse, yet resolute. "Was it at least-?..." he paused, clenching his jaw and adjusting his expression to something that looked less vulnerable. Once composed, he tried again. "What happened?"

  
Kylo scowled somewhere towards the region of Hux's belt buckle, unable to look him in the eye. Unshed tears burned his eyes and threatened to spill down his cheeks. He was doing reasonably well at pulling himself back together when Hux reached out, risked placing a finger beneath Kylo's chin and lifted his head before speaking again.

  
"Kylo, _please_."

  
Something broke inside Kylo, then. And not in the usual way, resulting in chaos, destruction, anger. The way that Hux had looked at him. Not with disdain, disgust, reproach, or disappointment, but with genuine concern. How the man handled him with a firm but careful touch. He saw reflected in Hux, the same fear that a line had been crossed, and something good had been lost. Moved out of reach. Once upon a time, Kylo Ren would have rather jumped in a ship and flown himself into the center of the nearest star than willingly show any degree of weakness in front of Hux. Right now though, he finally lost the battle against the tears in his eyes as they ran down his cheeks. The truth didn't make him angry, just incredibly sad.

  
"No-one.. has ever touched me like that," Kylo muttered. Closing his eyes with a sigh, he might have been reaching several new milestones recently but he couldn't bring himself to look at Hux after admitting something so personal. "I mean.. my.. my parents, my family..." An image seared through his mind of the bridge at Starkiller, with Han. Older memories, somehow still just as painful, of his mother putting him to bed. Of his uncle, ruffling his hair when he'd been very young. "But not like that," Kylo said with a sniff, shaking his head as if dismissing the images of his family back to the corners of his mind. "Not like you."

  
"Was it.. bad?"

  
Kylo wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, dismissal maybe, or ridicule. Instead Hux sounded nervous, a little sheepish, a hint of hurt. When Kylo looked at him again, he found that his expression matched his tone. Ginger eyebrows knitted together with concern. He almost laughed, causing the General 's face to pinch into an expression of wounded confusion.

  
"No, it wasn't bad," Kylo mumbled, making an attempt at a reassuring tone while wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

  
Hux sniffed. "Well, good. I think."

  
"It was," Kylo continued, ignoring Hux's pouting, "intoxicating. Like you'd sliced into my brain and were just.. lighting everything up from the inside."

  
Hux blinked at him, before looking at his own hands dubiously.

  
"I can assure you, I wasn't doing anything special."

  
Kylo laughed, sniffed again, wiped his nose on the back of his wrist.

  
"Yeah well, it felt pretty good to me."

  
Hux stopped squinting at his gloved palms to look back over at Kylo, considering something for a moment, before reaching out and brushing stray hair from Kylo's eyes. He smiled. It was subtle, but genuine, and spread to his eyes. Kylo felt like he wanted to cry again.

  
"It felt pretty good to me, too."

  
~

  
After their brief, tender moment dissolved rapidly into awkwardness, with averted gazes and copious throat-clearing, Hux decided to call it a night. Kylo was disappointed, however agreed that their time together had been draining. Despite that though, they both felt that progress had been made. Hux headed to leave first, so that they could avoid being seen together. Stopping as he reached the door, he turned to regard Kylo who was still pulling his shirt back on.

  
"I have some homework for you, should you be interested."

  
Kylo, wrangling his arms through his shirt sleeves, snorted at the concept. "Homework?"

  
"Yes," Hux said, curtly. Standing at regulation attention, arms behind his back. The curtain once again drawn across the man that lay beneath. Armour donned. Glacial walls thoroughly raised. Kylo gave him a look that suggested he continue as he stood to fasten his belt around his waist.

  
"I want you to re-read my messages from before, once you're back in your quarters. See if it feels like anything has changed."

  
Before Kylo could respond, Hux had turned and swept out of the room with a flourish of coattails.

  
~

  
Back in his quarters, Kylo tossed his belt, saber still attached, to one side before the door had even fully closed behind him. Sprawling across the bed with a sigh, he tried to work backwards through the events of the evening and make some sense of what had happened. Something at the back of his mind was still uncertain about the General's motives, and he felt foolish for wanting to trust the man in order to see how far he expected this arrangement to go. Was he really that desperate? Was Hux really, genuinely interested in him? His little speech about _duty_ cycled round and round in his head, along with the personal revelations from the General's past. He supposed it was fair after all that Hux got to share a nugget of personal trauma after Kylo had unloaded plenty of his own tangled issues. He found himself growing angry. Angry at those who at any point in the past may have been complicit in making life hard for Hux. At anyone who might have hurt him. At anyone who - Kylo's fists clenched, knuckles cracking - might have taken advantage of him. Anger was so familiar a feeling that Kylo barely registered it at first but was a little surprised when he did. He was confused as to why he felt so defensive, and then with a gut-wrenching realisation remembered that he himself was among the list of individuals who had hurt Hux in the past. It made his chest ache, and he didn't know why. Kylo rolled onto his side and curled in on himself for a while. _Hello regret, its been a while._

  
After a few moments, he reached out and grabbed the secure datapad, unlocking it to read through Hux's messages again just as he'd been told, scowling at himself for giving in to temptation. It turns out, he _was_ that desperate. He'd never been very good at making sensible, healthy choices, after all.

  
The datapad's screen was the only light source in the room, spilling across the bedsheets from where it lay against the bed. Hux's words burned against the cool blue background:

  
_You are the Supreme Leader now, and you answer to no-one but yourself._

  
_There are no consequences anymore._

  
The screen faded to black as it entered low-activity mode. Kylo lay in the dark, thinking about Hux's hands on his body, his bare skin, his face. Remembered the look on his face when Kylo had opened his eyes, caught him in a moment of exposed vulnerability. Not only had nobody ever touched him like that before, they'd certainly never _looked_ at him like that. It's not possible to fake something like that, is it? Would Hux stoop that low? Lifting his hand idly to brush across his cheek, the same way that Hux had done, Kylo decided he didn't really care right now. The memory of Hux's touch made him feel better.

  
Closing his eyes, Kylo tried to focus on how Hux's hands had felt. How gently he'd inspected the bandage on his shoulder, and how he'd carefully avoided it when massaging. How he'd followed the line of scarring left down his neck by the scavenger, to reach his face where he'd been held so tenderly. Kylo groaned slightly, shifting in his position on the bed as the memory stirred at the feelings coiled in his gut. The ones that usually filled him with shame and drove him to the cold water of his shower, or the blades of the droids in the training rooms.

  
_Not this time_, Kylo decided.

  
Flicking the datapad back into activity, squinting at the sudden brightness, Kylo tapped a message to Hux and hit "send" before he changed his mind.

  
**To: [REDACTED#3412]** are you up? i need a favour

  
Kylo waited a moment, staring at the screen. It was late, Hux had probably taken the opportunity to get some sleep for once. He was about to give up and try to follow suit, as a response came through.

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** What is it?

  
Thumbs darting across the keyboard, Kylo partly typed out his reply. Paused. Deleted everything. Rolling over onto his back again, he sighed and slowly typed out a reply once more before hitting "send".

  
**To: [REDACTED#3412]** i need you to tell me that everything is going to be ok

  
Another agonising wait. The light from the screen was making his eyes ache from staring at it so intensely.

  
**From: [REDACTED#3412]** Everything is going to be ok. Trust me.

  
The message lit up the room for as long as it took for the screen to fade out once again. Kylo stared at it, reading and re-reading Hux's response, letting it sear into the back of his eyeballs so that a hazy outline of the words danced in his vision even as he lay in the darkness. He tried to draw resolve from them as the tightness in his chest and the heat which flushed his skin threatened to overwhelm him as they normally would. 

  
_You are the Supreme Leader now-.._

  
There was no higher power, nobody who would "know" what was going on inside Kylo's mind, now or ever again. Nobody had come to punish him following his dreams, nor his rendezvous with Hux that night. Or any of the other nights, for that matter. The tightness in his chest was rapidly spreading to his crotch, pants once again proving to be an irritating obstacle as Kylo fought _against_ restraining the feelings and urges he had become adept at repressing.

  
_..-you answer to no-one but yourself._

  
The desire to reach down and touch himself was almost overbearing, yet Kylo resisted. If Hux's hand against the side of his head before had been too much to handle, Kylo figured there was no way he was ready for that. Not yet. A brief moment of shame washed over him at the fact that he'd never once given in to this particular temptation. He had no concept whatsoever about what exactly to expect. The prospect was more than a little terrifying, his reaction to the briefest of intimate touches from essentially a stranger had been enough to bring him to tears. Right now though, Kylo was working on not trying to suffocate this feeling away, not trying to avoid it, run from it or supress it. He felt the familiar nausea again, beads of sweat starting to form on his brow, but he persevered.

  
_There are no consequences anymore_.

  
For a moment, Kylo thought about Hux's hands again. Feeling vaguely embarrassed about his apparent infatuation with the General, that of all the things to set him off it would be a brief few moments of touch, some stern words and a glimpse of concern. That perhaps he'd have felt this way about anyone who might have come into his life and treated him that way. Luckily - or perhaps unluckily, he wasn't sure yet - it had been Hux. Kylo lifted his hand once again to the side of his face, closing his eyes despite the room around him being pitch black. He lost himself in the memory, tilting his head slightly as if leaning into the General's touch, trying to recapture what it had felt like. To feel, wanted? Desirable? It might not have been that complicated an emotion, purely physical perhaps, but it was still _something_. Upon opening his eyes again, he was almost disappointed to be met with the inky darkness of his room, rather than the split-second of... whatever it was, that expression, that Hux had been wearing before. Kylo sighed softly, remembering.

  
_Everything is going to be ok._

  
Hux had been right so far. No summons to a dark and ethereal chamber for admonishment. No lectures, no lessons, no pain. His hands both shifted to rest atop his stomach. Fingertips itching to delve beneath the waistband of his pants, instead they worried at the fabric of his shirt. The fact that he hadn't (completely) freaked out, thrown up, or run from the room was enough of a landmark and Kylo didn't want to push himself too far. He was, after all, a master of restraint when it came to _this_. He'd had years of unfortunate practice. _Baby steps. _

  
Painfully aroused, Kylo allowed himself a moment to think about how it might feel to touch Hux, instead. What his cheek might feel like. Or the skin across the side of his neck, down his chest, across his stomach. Kylo groaned, his cock throbbing resentfully within the confines of his pants. This was a special kind of torture, however for every second that ticked by that he wasn't somehow struck down by lightning, or summoned for punishment by an omnipresent master, Kylo took it as a win. Besides, he'd absolutely suffered worse in the past.

  
Kylo closed his eyes again, returning his hands to his sides and - with difficulty - tried to calm himself down without the use of external stimulus or distraction. It was difficult, but made easier without the desperation that he'd been plagued with in the past. Without the worry of "getting caught" somehow. He was calling the shots and as this realisation sank in, it felt remarkably satisfying. After some time had passed, although he may not have calmed down as much as he'd have preferred, Kylo had entered a deep enough meditative state to drift off to perhaps the most peaceful sleep he'd experienced in a long time. All the while, Hux's messages played through his mind as if spoken by the General himself in the same easy, comfortable tones as before. Lulling him into unconsciousness.

  
_Trust me._


End file.
